8 Defenses Against Nasty People
Being the flawed persons we all are, you will not like everybody you come across, and not everybody will like you. No matter how hard you try, there will occasions when people are nasty to you when you did nothing to provoke them.
Every now and then, someone will give you unsolicited criticism, send you a rude email, verbally spit in your face, or basically push your button in some way or another. How do you respond when this happens?
photo credit: Adam (adamjinj)
1. Disengage
Although the initial temptation to retaliate will be strong, you need to give the anger time to subside. This can be difficult when the confrontation is public and you have your ego to deal with, or when the words cut deeply because they hit a vulnerable spot, or when you feel wronged. You probably know as well as I do, from experience, that a calm and considered response works better than a knee-jerk reaction.
2. Distract yourself
Find something else to do that will take your mind off the unpleasant event. If you cannot stop thinking about it, write down your feelings in your journal. Deal with the issue later when when your rational mind kicks back in, after your emotions have dissipated a little.
3. Understand it is not personal
Of course, it is personal in the sense that the nastiness was directed at you and something about you must have been irksome to the other person. Yet is not personal because the venom does not reside in you, but in her. She obviously has a problem which is bothering her enough to translate into action, but you don’t have to make it your problem by allowing yourself to get drawn into the ring. Let her work it out herself.
4. Look for the lesson
We usually hate most in others what we dislike in ourselves. She is probably giving you a hard time because something about you reminds her of something she cannot accept about herself. If you can honestly ask yourself what trait she is reacting to, then you may learn something about both of you. It does not mean that you are wrong to possess that trait. The lesson is self-knowledge, not self-judgment.
5. Forgive the person
All of us are trying our best. No one is intentionally nasty. Every person has her reasons for acting in a certain way, regardless of whether you are aware of these reasons or approve of them. You have probably been nasty to someone else yourself, and can easily justify to yourself why that person deserved your anger. Well, this time you are the other person. Put it down to karma, and forgive the other person now because someday you too will need forgiveness.
6. Find a way to co-exist
If this person is a family member, friend or colleague, you may have to spend time together again whether you like it or not. Decide how you will deal with the times you are with her. You could agree to ignore each other, just say hello, or talk only about what is necessary. If this person is not a key relationship in your life, it may make sense to just stay out of each other’s way as far as possible.
7. Give a neutral reply if necessary
A reply is not always needed. Sometimes the best strategy is to do nothing. Still, if you did not manage to disengage earlier and got involved somehow, then healing or at least closure may be necessary. A simple “I’m sorry this happened” is both truthful and non-committal. If the person is close to you, more may be required for the rift to mend. If an email requires a professional response, a short “Thank you for your feedback, it has been noted” will probably suffice.
8. Get on with life
There is no need to fret over your soundness of character, your popularity or your future. A one-off criticism is not a verdict on your entire life or you as a whole person. Learn to be less fragile. Life is too short to worry about what one person thinks. There is too much work to be done, too many good deeds to perform, people to love, experiences to savour… The unpleasantness has claimed enough of your life as it is. Time to right the imbalance by getting out there and setting up some wonderful experiences for yourself!
You can subscribe for free updates by RSS or Email.
12 Responses to “8 Defenses Against Nasty People”
Leave a Reply
Search this Blog
Most Popular Posts
- Let Go of Expectations
- How to Find Happiness That Lasts
- Your 24 Possible Personal Strengths
- 17 Inspiring Examples of Personal Creeds
- Parallel Universes: You May Be Everything You Ever Wanted To Be
- 7 Proven Ways to Live A Happy Life
Recent Posts
- Dealing with Emotions – Dos and Don’ts (Part 2)
- Dealing with Emotions – Dos and Don’ts (Part 1)
- Start Afresh
- Wine and the Taste of Happiness
- Detach from Outcomes
- Gratitude for 2010
- How to Stay Positive
- Joyful Days Awarded as a Top 50 Wellness Guru
- Simplify Your Life With The “One In, One Out” Method
- What Makes People Happy? The Top 10 List
- “I Want To Change My Life!”
- Setting Boundaries
- 206 Reasons To Be Grateful
- Making Peace with Criticism
- When Big Egos Collide
April 6th, 2011 @ 2:46 am
These very humane and sane answers are great, but they don’t always work. Sometimes you need to stand up to a nasty person, particularly if that person is a co-worker who you have to see and deal with every single day. I’m talking about when nastiness crosses the line into abuse and harassment. Some nasty people are pathologically nasty; they are energy vampires who feed off the fear and humiliation of others, and they look for pliable targets. Their favorites: nice people who try to get along with others. (Nasty people tend to congregate together, because they recognize each other and realize there would be no fun in attacking another of their ilk.) In such cases, it is essential to take measures to end the abuse, and sometimes that requires getting right in their face, in the presence of a superior, or through a lawyer, or through letters to HR, or whatever. Trying to forgive them and detaching emotionally may reduce your suffering somewhat, but are not always enough.
April 6th, 2011 @ 8:10 am
Hi WesternSea,
Thanks for pointing this out. Yes in some cases when the line crosses over into bullying or abuse, it is necessary to stand up to the bully. In fact, it may even mean getting involved when you’re not the one being bullied but someone else is, who is not able to stand up for themselves.
You sound like you speak from experience and if so, I hope you have found a way to resolve the situation. All the best to you!
Daphne
June 5th, 2011 @ 6:27 am
Hi,
Great post. Thanks for this. Helped me let go of nagging thoughts about things that have happened, some long past. I’ll definitely remember this for the future too.
Tiana
June 5th, 2011 @ 11:14 pm
Tiana,
Glad to know that the post helped you. Moving on and leaving the past behind can be so liberating!
Daphne
August 3rd, 2011 @ 6:33 am
wow, I needed to hear this today.Thank you for making a bad day so much better and for putting nastiness into perspective.
@ Western sea- yes the nasty ones do tend to gather together and pick on the nice ones….I liked your description of energy vampires, very apt!
September 27th, 2011 @ 10:22 am
Yes, like WesternSea I’ve come across people who seem to take delight in being nasty.
It’s like a hobby for them.
You also get those who think that being bitchy is somehow a good thing.
It’s also unpleasant when you see a friend pair off with someone who’s well known for being a nasty piece of work. As a Christian I’m learning about loving your enemies but sometimes it’s hard to shake off the negativity that comes with these situations.
October 10th, 2011 @ 3:44 pm
Like the other responders I disagree that nobody intends to nasty. This is a dangerous message. Abusers are intentionally nasty and dangerous. They know exactly what, where, and how to be incredibly nasty. Domestic abuse syndrome is part of forgiving and believing that people are not intentionally nasty. Do not be fooled!
October 21st, 2011 @ 6:45 am
move on, don,t dwell on unwinnable conflicts. forgive but don,t forget. .
October 21st, 2011 @ 11:44 pm
good advice thank you
November 30th, 2011 @ 8:23 am
need a soulmate. asap , steve xx
January 2nd, 2012 @ 5:16 am
Nasty people need to realise that most others move away from them and it inhibits there own ability to function in society as there reputation goes ahead of them.
February 8th, 2012 @ 6:54 pm
our self-awareness and acceptance lead us to become less prone to bullying in all places. our emotional intelligence is very important for us to be able to handle your selves better in front of nasty, psychopath individuals roaming around in our midst. handle our difficulty first and we will be able to handle difficult people effectively.