Be Kind

Antiques - Bryan TexasBeing kind requires two virtues: awareness and choice. Most people react to events and other people with very little awareness about what they are saying or doing. We need to pause to become aware of what is going on in ourselves, and then deliberately choose our response.
Creative Commons License photo credit: deneyterrio

1. Suspend judgment

We tend to judge others based on their actions, and ourselves based on our intentions. Perhaps we should be more consistent and judge others based on their intentions too. These are usually good, even if the execution leaves much to be desired.

A more sound approach in general is not to judge at all. Mahatma Gandhi said we shouldn’t judge another person until we have walked a mile in his moccasins. This is good advice. We usually jump to conclusions and judgment after seeing the other person take just one step. We do not consider all the previous steps that drove him to speak or act in a certain way.

When people judge us critically, we always feel defensive and tell ourselves that they just don’t understand. And we are right. In the same way, when we judge others critically, we too don’t understand them. If we had special spectacles that allowed us to look straight into another person’s heart, most likely we would not be judging them, but weeping for them.

2. Ease another’s burden

The other reason others don’t need us to judge them critically is that they are probably already feeling bad about what they said or did. When you yell at your kids, you probably feel bad almost immediately. We all know when we act less than honourably, and don’t need anyone to tell us.

Instead of telling someone what they already know, that they did something they should not have, let’s tell them an equally important truth. Tell them that they are doing the best they know how under the circumstances. This will help lift the load of guilt from their shoulders. And when they feel lighter and better about themselves, it will be easier for them to behave better towards others too.

Everybody carries a burden in life that nobody else can see. You can choose to add to a person’s burden with your judgment and criticism, making it even heavier for them. Or you could walk with them and hold the burden for them, just for a while, until they catch their breath and can go on again. Sometimes all it takes is an understanding smile from you.

3. Seek to understand

To truly understand another person takes a lifetime. Just observing one or two actions on their part is certainly not enough for us to understand what drove them to do it – their fears, their ambitions, their insecurities.

We can understand better not by making statements about other people, but by asking questions about them. Instead of saying “She’s not a very good mother if she yells at her kids”, we could ask “How many weeks has this woman gone without sufficient sleep?” Or instead of “There he goes, thinking only about himself again”, we could ask “What is he so deeply concerned about right now?”

It’s unlikely that we can know the answer without asking the other person outright, but the attitude we adopt by asking is to admit that there is a lot about the other person that we don’t know. By coming up with a few alternative answers to our own questions, we’ll start to realise that there are many reasons why a person behaves in a certain way. This is the beginning of wisdom.

4. Encourage others

No matter how confident and self-assured a person seems, she has some insecurity in her heart. Even the most successful man constantly asks himself if he did the right thing. At some point in all our lives, we run on empty or close to it. Encouragement from somebody else, even a complete stranger, could make the difference between giving up and taking one more step.

When I was in school, a friend told me “You are capable of doing anything you set your mind to”. At the time I didn’t make much of it. But through the next couple of decades, every time self-doubt set in, it was the voice of this friend saying those words that I remembered. This echo from the past gave me the confidence to keep plugging on during the times that I wanted to give up.

You may say something today that you don’t think is a big deal. Even the person you say it to may not appreciate it right now. Yet you never know how far that arrow of kindness will fly, and at which point it will land. But land it will, long after you have forgotten that you sent it flying in the first place. The world has too many critics, and too few encouragers. Be an encourager.

5. Keep quiet

Sometimes the kindest thing we can do at the moment is to bite our tongue. Literally, if that’s necessary to avoid saying something hurtful to another person. If you have tried to understand and just can’t, if you cannot suspend critical judgment, then let the harsh words remain in your head and die in you. There is no need to verbalise them.

Learning to shut up was definitely not easy for me, and most likely won’t be for you. It is a lesson worth learning though. When you keep your mouth shut, your brain will find something else to do. This usually takes the form of opening your eyes and your ears. This increases the chances of your seeing or hearing something that you otherwise wouldn’t, that will help you to understand the situation and the person better.

Make a decision today that if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all. This may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done in your life. Try it for one month, or even for just one week. At the end of that period, see whether you were a better person for the effort. I’m pretty sure that you’ll like the person in the mirror a lot more.

And if you try and fail, remember to be kind to yourself too. Suspend judgment, ease your own burden of guilt, seek to understand what happened, encourage yourself, and if all else fails, just keep quiet and try again.

This is Part 7 of the series:

Think Deeply
Speak Gently
Love Much
Laugh A Lot
Work Hard
Give Freely
Be Kind

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2 Responses to “Be Kind”

  1. Henie
    January 29th, 2009 @ 3:59 pm

    Hi Daphne…

    Yet another post for me to savor! Thank you!

    “It is in ‘keeping quiet’ that we hear the breeze of kindness.” ~Henie~

    Always,
    Henie

  2. Daphne
    January 29th, 2009 @ 4:13 pm

    Hi Henie,

    Wow, I’m flattered that you’re reading some of my old posts. Your quote is lovely – sometimes keeping quiet is the best way to be kind, and you said it beautifully. Thank you.

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