Paul discusses faith intelligently both from an intellectual perspective and from his personal viewpoint as someone whose faith has been tested to the limit.

He suffers from a debilitating illness that makes even the simplest tasks, like typing on a computer, extremely painful and difficult. The result of his personal trials is a faith that is real. Reading about his personal faith journey can show you how to form your own faith based on your own life experiences.

The meaning of life

Countless books have been written to help people find the meaning of life. Paul’s take on this is refreshingly simple and practical. Meaning lies not in an intellectual search, but in experiencing what your life is saying to you right now.

We often approach the issue of meaning in life by looking for a reason to live. Real meaning resides in the experience of our love, its purpose, and the self-transcendent identity to which it calls us… Though we may not fully know the meaning of life, we may fully live it.

This is reassuring – that we are living life’s meaning, whether or not we understand it. Next time I feel like embarking on a fruitless search for life’s meaning, I’ll remember to just sit still, breathe and experience life itself.

What is love?

Even more books have been written about love – what it is, how to find it and keep it, what to do when you lose it… Amidst all the academic and romantic pontifications out there, Paul’s definition rings true:

Love is the delight by which we hold another’s presence sacred. Love is the central aspect of our pleasure in someone’s existence, utterly free of ulterior motive and not preoccupied with viewing the other as a means to any end…

… More devastating than our distress over their loss as a dimension of our own lives, death as annihilation brings us profoundest distress over the no more, the no longer, the not at all, of them.

According to Paul, love is when another matters to us just because HE IS or SHE IS. Their very existence is what we find joy in (isn’t this true when we behold a child?) and their death an irreplaceable loss because they are no more.

Despair and hopelessness

The book also discusses the dark side of faith. Paul differentiates between being lost in our personal lives, and being lost in life itself.

In its personal aspect, despair is over one’s own life. Its hopelessness has primarily to do with our relationships, to others. Spiritual despair occurs in relation to life itself. In personal despair we find our own lives meaningless. In spiritual despair, we experience life itself as meaningless…

… if we are materially well off, it is possible to despair and yet almost not notice. We can keep it light. There is plenty to distract us. Travel, sports and other leisure pursuits; sex or making money; even the life of the intellect if we are inclined that way. Our despair can remain unexamined and largely unexperienced.

The last sentence made me sit up and wonder if, for all the joy I have in life, I could be harbouring some dark despair in the hidden recesses of my mind and heart. ‘Unexperienced despair’ is a new concept to me, and challenged me to go beyond my conscious evaluation of my life to seek out who I am at a deeper level.

On ego

Paul’s thoughts on the ego are clear and simple, which makes a complex topic like this much easier to understand.

While love makes others as real to us as we are to ourselves, ego leads us to feel how much less real others seem to be.

My own ego had recently risen to the forefront for personal reasons, and what Paul had to say was liberating for me. This paragraph burned a deep impression in me, and reading them was a life-changing moment. I will remember his words for a long time. Thanks, Paul.

Stop focusing on the person who has caused you insult or injury. Stop judging. When others behave badly, we assume they are not doing the best they can. What if they are? How would we know the difference?

Ego and proportional thinking

In a recent post on selflessness, I wondered if the self could grow to include others and indeed all of humankind. Expanding on the discussion on ego, Paul explains this possibility in terms of proportional thinking and behaviour.

Proportional thinking is thinking that does not elevate or emphasize the needs of self or those with whom we ego-identify over the needs of others…

Proportionality is only ‘altruism’ from ego’s point of view. In our love’s eyes, which sees others as no less real than we are, proportional behaviour is just being realistic. The concept of altruism also implies a false idea of self-sacrifice: the notion that doing good to others comes by way of doing harm to ourselves.

To me, this notion represents true enlightenment – the realization that everyone else IS me. Acting for the greater good does not go against self-interest, but indeed is merely practical because, cliched as it sounds, we are all one.

“Making a day”

Many years ago, I developed my own version of living well: going to bed each night at peace and ready to meet my Maker, because I had lived a day worth living. I love Paul’s term for this – “making a day”.

Making a day means we turn in for the night with a measure of real harmony and peace, knowing that we have not wasted our time on earth that day.

So, are you an original or a copy?

Essentially, Paul’s book asks this question (though with much more tactful and refined words). He dares us to look at our lives, experience it fully, and come to our own understanding of life, love, and faith.

A first-hand faith animates us. It gives us the passion, willingness and strength to speak and act from out of what we know concerning who we are.

If you want to develop a faith that is wholly your own, do start by reading Original Faith. I’m closing comments here so that you can spend the time checking out Paul’s blog on personal spirituality and leave a comment there if you wish.

The book is called Not of My Making: Bullying, Scapegoating and Misconduct in Churches by Margaret W Jones, PhD.

As the title suggests, the book was written as a personal critique of the behaviour of people in churches. Not being used to this genre, I had to remind myself throughout the book not to judge either the author or those she writes about.

The making of a memoir

The book starts with the author’s childhood, citing incidences of peer bullying…

“Your clothes are ugly”

… and parental neglect.

“Having to fend for myself, I picked through what was left of my siblings’ breakfast.”

In college, she started burning her arm after being rejected by a boy she liked. This began what seems like a lifetime of psychiatric treatment. Even as an adult, she continued to cut her arms when she felt stressed by others’ treatment.

It is against this backdrop that the alleged emotional abuse in churches occurs. The accused church is Unitarian Universalism.

She singles out pastors who let her down…

She said “You are making too many demands on my time.”

… and churchgoers who were not absolutely loyal to her , saying things like:

“That article with your note offended me. I’m an adult, and don’t need to be told how to think and feel”.

The 408-page book more or less proceeds in this vein, providing intimate details of what was said by whom. I tend to agree with a sentiment repeated by both her pastors…

“You have significant problems getting along with other people. You fail to take responsibility for your end.” (said one pastor)

“You’re unaware of your behaviour and its effects on others” she (another pastor) admonished me.

… and psychiatrists:

“During my weekly therapy sessions, Dr Emmett wondered if my perceptions created a self-fulfilling prophecy. I disgreed with him.”

To be fair to the author, she came across as fair in her portrayal of both herself and those she accuses. Her verbatim account of what people said gives the reader a chance to make up his own mind about whether there was truly emotional abuse, or whether this is just a highly sensitive soul being bruised by the words and actions of the average person.

“What if this has more to do with me than with my attackers? What if I’m laughed at, told I’m making it up, told it isn’t that bad? Maybe I really am too sensitive.”

If I had not agreed to post a review of this book today, I probably would not have read it through to the end. Yet I’m glad I did, because the ending provides a glimmer of hope that in the telling, the author was healed somewhat.

“The unbearable pain gave birth to an overwhelming need to be heard… The telling has given me some distance and clarity… By breaking the silence, I am triumphant.”

Who should read this book

This is certainly not a book for everyone. As with all memoirs, you should read it only if you’re interested in the author as a person, or if you have an interest in the topics addressed. Consider reading this if:

• You feel that you too have been abused by clergy and churchgoers in your church, and want to know that you are not alone.
• You belong to the Unitarian Universalist church and are interested in one person’s experience with this organisation.
• You are a student of psychology and want to know what goes through the mind of a person who feels victimised.
• You suffer from depression and could learn something about yourself from the case study of another person.

I knew Tess as a blogger before I read her book, and my admiration for who she is and the life she has lived grew by leaps and bounds with every chapter I read in her book.

For starters, so many people dream of writing a book. Tess actually took action and not only wrote a book, she also published it herself. How’s that for taking life by the horns and living boldly?

Breathtaking vision

If the book title Flying by the Seat of My Soul doesn’t energise you and bring a smile to your face, the first chapter called Hitch Your Dream To A Star probably will. The grand vision leaping out of the daring words plays out through the whole book.

Here’s an example of how Tess challenges us to live fully:

The risk involves learning how to love on a deeper level. The risk is allowing others to see who you really are and to be open to receiving love and support. If you have been able to accept this in the past, it can be difficult. A Dream Team will help you become comfortable.

Intimacy is often defined as IN-TO-ME-SEE. When we don’t think well of ourselves, we usually want to hide. The risk is to become emotionally naked. If we don’t take the risk, we keep ourselves from reaching deep into our hearts and discovering who we are and what gifts we are meant to share.

Practical wisdom

While urging us to soar, Tess offers nuggets of wisdom throughout the book that help us keep sight of land. Here’s a gem I love:

Strive for healed relationships instead of perfect relationships.

She explains, borrowing from Carl Jung, that we carry a ‘bag’ over our shoulder into which we put the aspects of ourselves that we don’t like, so that we don’t have to look at it and own it. We deny, resist, and forget that it is even there, until we see it in another person. Hence:

Anytime you are upset, irritated, or at wit’s end with someone else, it is really about you. It is about what you carry in your bag.

On parenting

Having her first child at the age of 17, Tess learnt about parenting the hard way, while clocking up years of experience compared to most of her peers. She shares her lessons freely and openly, admitting her mistakes and showing us how we can heal ourselves and our children.

If you have regrets, apologize to your children, even if they are adults. An apology validates their feelings. Allow your children their point of view. Your children, no matter what their age, want to be validated. If your children are grown, it is never too late to apologise and tell them if you knew better you would have done better.

She also makes no bones about the job of a parent, recognising how hard it can be to love a child.

Love your children enough to allow them to hate you. It feels as if they hate you when you tell them ‘no’. They might be mad for a few minutes, hours, and if they’re teenagers even days. But they will get over it. They need parents not friends.

The music of your soul

I’ll leave you with my favourite story in Tess’ book:

Paganini was an emerging violinist and composer in the 1800s. He dreamed of an audience in a packed opera house that would jump to their feet with an ovation. The evening came. It was his turn for a solo. He felt terror and sickness in his stomach as he began to draw his bow – he had grabbed the wrong violin.

He heard a deep voice within that said, “Play with what you’ve got.” So he did. He had faith that even with this instrument, something might happen that would create magic with the music. As Paganini gave all he had within himself, the audience rose to ovation after ovation.

He said: “Before tonight, I always thought the music came from my violin. Tonight I realised the music comes from within me.”

Are you ready to fly?

This is the question Tess asks us. If you’d like more inspiring stories and ‘soul stretching’ exercises to help you fly, grab a copy of Tess’ book!

I am so proud to have a personally autographed copy of Flying by the Seat of My Soul sitting on my bookshelf. If you know Tess and would like an autographed copy, you could ask very nicely and purchase it directly from her at The Bold Life.