Joyful Days » Be Kind

Making Peace with Criticism

Daphne — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 12:44:56 +0000

I hate being criticised. Especially when I feel it is untrue and uncalled for. Especially when I’ve put in lots of effort and yearn for appreciation instead of judgment.

Most of us react instinctively to being criticised: fight or flight. We rant and rail and protest that it’s untrue; or we take cover and stop trying so hard so we don’t expose ourselves to even more negative feedback.

There’s a story about a donkey who was thrown into a well and had dirt shovelled in to bury him alive. He faced certain death until he changed his attitude. Every time fresh dirt fell, he simply stepped up onto the new higher ground. Again and again, until he made it to the surface.

Call me asinine, but I’ve decided to emulate that donkey. Criticism will not bring me down, but raise me up. As my wise mum says, “Become better, not bitter.” Bring on the dirt!

PS: I’m sorry to all readers who were infected with the horrendous virus that was going around recently and hit Joyful Days. I wasn’t alert or able enough to get rid of it till now. I lost half my readers but am grateful for the half that remain. You guys are the best!

PPS: I’m a fan of Seth Godin who makes excellent points with few words. I’ve decided to emulate him too, hence this short post today.

When Big Egos Collide

Daphne — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 19:31:34 +0000

I was in an accident today – not the physical kind that leaves visible injuries, but the emotional kind involving two big egos colliding into each other and leaving shattered friendships all over the ground.

One of those big egos was mine, I blush to admit. It’s now sitting back in an armchair wrapped in bandages, pondering what just happened and assessing the damage done.

Why do friends fall out over the smallest thing because of big egos? And what can we do to salvage the wreck?

photo credit: tibchris

Headed towards disaster

When an accident between two vehicles happens, it is because one or both were headed in the wrong direction, and neither stopped in time. This analogy works for me in the ego world. In my case, it was of course the other big ego headed in the wrong direction, because I know I am never wrong ;)

Still, when I look back on my flight path, I suppose I could have taken a different route. Instead of feeling insulted and misunderstood, I could have considered the fact that I did not communicate my intention well enough. Instead of defending myself, I could have apologised for being ambiguous.

Insisting on right of way

There’s a story about a ship’s captain noticing a blip on his radar which was directly in his path. He radioed the other ship to change course. The ship replied that he should change course himself. Again he instructed the other ship to change course. Again the ship refused. Finally he threatened to run over the other ship with his large tanker. The other ship calmly replied that he was welcome to run his tanker aground since the other ‘ship’ was actually a lighthouse.

Big egos are like big ships. They don’t like to change course. Their size gives them the illusion that they have right of way. Therefore they very often run aground.

Not stopping in time

The arrogant captain in the previous story presumably had the good sense to change course once he realised he was up against a lighthouse.

When I question my big ego sitting there in the armchair, it mumbles sheepishly when I ask if it could have stopped in time. “Why didn’t you just stop arguing?” “I wasn’t arguing, I was explaining.” “Could you tell from the reaction that your explanation wasn’t working?” “But I had to tell the truth from my point of view.” “So the other point of view has truth too, right?” “But my side of the story was important too!“… We could go on all night this way.

C-R-A-S-H !

Regardless of who is ‘at fault’, in a collision both parties lose. Parts get broken. Confidence is shaken. Momentum is lost.

The aftermath

And yet, not all is lost. We can choose our reactions to accidents. In some accidents, both parties get out of their cars and start screaming at each other. In others, both apologise and together work out a way to deal with the mess.

My big ego is thankfully not so stupid as to scream and point an accusing finger at the other big ego. Unfortunately, neither is it wise or humble enough to take the first step and apologise.

So we are in limbo at the moment – my big ego sitting in the armchair looking woeful and wronged, and me looking on in frustration because I can’t kick it out of the room. We live together, you see, my big ego and I.

Feng Shui Bonus: Enhance Your Love Life

Daphne — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 03:13:56 +0000

After my recent post on using feng shui to attract wealth, a reader asked me if we can use feng shui for improving relationships. The answer is yes.

photo credit: ibm4381

The following suggestions are of two kinds. The first set is more practical and easy for the rational mind to understand. The second set of suggestions is symbolic, and make sense if you believe in the power of symbols in shaping our thoughts and thus our reality.

Practical feng shui for love

If someone walked into your home and bedroom, would it be obvious that the place was set up for a couple? Or does your home scream “bachelor(ette) pad!” at every turn? If you’re already living with a partner, you could also check that your bedroom and home are conducive for both of you.

Here are some basic ways to convert your swinging domain for one into a love nest for two, to start preparing room in your life for a partner:

Bedroom

Replace your single bed with either a queen- or king-sized double bed.
Both sides of the bed should be as equal as possible, eg pillows and reading lamps on both sides and not just one.
The bed should be accessible from both sides, rather than jamming one side up against a wall making it difficult for another person to climb in.
Remove the TV, computer and other activity-based (yang) elements, so that the main activity in the room is conversation or making love.
Ditch the fluorescent lights for soft yellow bulbs (of the energy-saving variety, for environmental reasons).
Use candles or essential oils, even when you’re sleeping alone, to create an atmosphere of romance.

General

Make space for a second car in the garage or outside the house.
Have a spare set of house keys readily available.
Arrange chairs in pairs, facing each other at right angles so you can see the person’s side profile, but not head-on in a confrontational position.
Meal settings should be for two, even if you’re eating alone. Have at least a position for a second person, even if you don’t lay out the utensils.
Furnishings should be soft and inviting, eg love seats or sofas for two to make another person want to be around.

Symbolic feng shui for love

Our thoughts create our reality. If you want a loving relationship with a partner, set up your home to remind you of this, so that your subconscious can get to work creating the actual relationship you are seeking.

Display items in pairs eg candles, wooden mandarin ducks, pictures of couples, cushions, workstations and anything else that represents coupledom.
Tables and mirrors should be oval or round as far as possible, avoiding the sharp ‘cutting’ corners or squares or rectangles.
Avoid images of single figures, sad faces and broken hearts in general. Choose images of couples, happiness, love, or whatever you want to see in your life.
Choose colours that represent love and romance, which to most people means reds and pinks. You don’t have to paint your entire room this colours – just splashes will suffice. Background colours can be soothing pale earth or brown shades.

Your relationship areas

In feng shui, both the southwest area or far right corner from front door are the relationship area. The practical and symbolic tips should be especially applied to these areas of your bedroom and home.

To me, feng shui is a reflection of life. Your life probably also has ‘relationship areas’. These are the special times or places when you are alone with your partner, or that you’d like to share with someone special. Apply what makes sense to these times and places to enhance your love life.

This is a bonus post in the series on Feng Shui: