DO talk to a close friend

When we are emotionally upset, we often don’t see clearly. We may blow words and actions out of proportion, refuse to see the good in a person or situation, and convince ourselves that our plight is worse than it actually is. We all have blind spots, and close friends are like mirrors that help us see ourselves and our situation more objectively. Venting also helps us to calm down and dissipate the raw strength of the emotions so that we can think more clearly again.

DO pour your emotions into a journal

While nothing substitutes a close friend, a journal has certain advantages. It will absorb all our emotions without getting tired, it is there for us any time of day or night, and can be referred to in future to see how much we have or have not grown. Strong emotions seem to have an energy of their own which can be safely expanded by writing as many pages as necessary until that energy is spent. It is the fastest way I know of transferring negative emotions out of my system into a safe receptacle.

DO sit still and let the emotions run through you

We humans have a great capacity to heal ourselves, and stillness and silence are great healers. Just as a cold will eventually pass if left to run its course because the physical body has its own immune system, our emotional afflictions will also pass if we allow the feelings to run their natural course. Just as the physical body needs lots of rest to fight an infection, our emotional self also needs rest to deal with emotions. When we stop the fretting and pacing and simply be still, healing begins.

DO observe each emotion without needing to act

Try to observe each emotion washing over you as a wave washes over a beach. The wave is not part of the beach, but is separate from it. Strong negative emotions too, are not who we are. Think of them as temporary visitors who will leave once their stay is done. This way of thinking helps us to detach from our emotions, and become a neutral observer. And as waves have their own natural rhythm and cannot be hurried or controlled, we too observe our emotions without trying to control or banish them.

DO give yourself time for healing to happen

Strong emotions may not go away after just one conversation with a friend, or one journal entry, or one quiet session in solitude while observing those emotions. Sometimes it takes a few sittings for the emotions to run their course. We need to be patient with ourselves and embrace nature’s timing and not try to fit healing into our busy schedules and give ourselves a deadline for feeing better.

DO celebrate when you’re done dealing with your emotions

In my experience it is very obvious when emotional healing is complete. When I was younger, I knew I was alright when I didn’t feel the strong urge to go running everyday anymore (running helped expand negative energy). Nowadays healing takes the form of a return of goodwill, often in a flood of strong positive emotions. For some people it may be waking up one morning and realising that you’re not angry or hurt anymore. Whatever the case, do celebrate by giving yourself a tangible treat. Celebrating the end of an emotionally traumatic period brings closure, so that we can move on in life with a light and happy heart.

This is Part 2 of a two-part series. Read Dealing with Emotions – Dos and Don’ts (Part 1).

photo credit: sydney g

The difficulty I have with a list is that we often measure ourselves against such a list to see how well we are doing. That’s quite a depressing approach if we tick off few or none of the items on the list. Conversely if we tick off every item, we may have an inflated sense of achievement.

Still, I offer this in the spirit that if even one tip can help someone to deal with their emotions, then the list has been helpful. So I encourage you to just choose one item from the following list to try out for yourself. If that doesn’t work for you, come back and try another one. If it does work, come back and try another one anyway!

DON’T deny or suppress emotions

We often deny or suppress our unpleasant emotions by keeping ourselves so busy that we have no time to think. We fill every free moment with work, social activities, alcohol, food or exercise. While these help buy time for the strong emotions to subside, eventually we need to be still and deal with those emotions. Learn to sit quietly for half an hour and just experience those emotions. This allows the healing process to begin.

DON’T judge your emotions as wrong

Our upbringing sometimes teaches us that there are ‘wrong’ emotions like envy, jealousy, resentment, anger, hate. When we feel these emotions therefore, we feel guilty and bad, further adding to the emotional burden we already carry. Emotions are just emotions. They exist and show up in our lives every now and then, and should be accepted just as we accept the sun exists and shows up every now and then.

DON’T take unnecessary action

When emotions are strong, we cannot think clearly and make rash decisions. This is fine as long as you don’t act on those decisions. For example, go ahead and decide not to talk to your neighbour. Just don’t actually stomp next door and announce this decision to her. It’s much easier to change your mind and ‘un-decide’ when you calm down later, than it is to ‘un-say’ words already said.

DON’T vent to anyone who will listen

Some of us are prone to venting, and deal with our emotions by talking at length. While venting is helpful, be careful about who you vent to. Confide only in those who love you enough not to judge you, who will guard your secrets, and most importantly who will give you wise and loving guidance. The last thing you need when emotionally upset is someone who will fan the flames and instigate more negative feelings.

DON’T blame the other person

This can be really hard, especially when we’re convinced that the other person is in the wrong. When we blame someone else, our emotions become hostage to that person’s actions and our healing depends on the other person taking action to make amends. When we take the other person completely out of the equation and accept that our emotion is our problem and no one else’s, we regain control and can start to work on those emotions.

In the next post I will discuss some DOs of dealing with emotions.

photo credit: sydney g

During this time, I learnt two fascinating facts about wine. Wine drinkers can use these facts to save themselves a lot of money when buying wine. Non-drinkers, just be patient because at the end, as usual, there is a moral about happiness and a lesson on life.

Fact #1: The price of a wine makes no difference to its taste, but the perception of its price does.

A recent study by psychologist Richard Wiseman showed that when people were not shown the prices of wines, they could not tell the expensive wines from the cheap ones. Consequently there was no additional enjoyment when drinking expensive wines.

However, when the prices of the wines were mixed up and expensive wines labelled cheaply and cheap wines given high price tags, most people said the ‘expensive’ wines tasted better. It was the expectation of a good wine, created by the false information about its price, that led to greater enjoyment of the wine.

Does this mean we should all buy cheap wines from now on? Not exactly. What it means is that we can enjoy our wine better if we create a positive expectation of it. Such positive expectations can be created not merely by price, but alternatively by learning more about the origin and history of the wine.

I love the conclusion of the study: “And that’s why I will always be one of those annoying people who insists on muttering about malolactic fermentation while pouring Chardonnay, or on explaining the genetic kinship between Primitivo and Zinfandel when all you want is a damn glass to go with your red-sauce pasta. The reason I harass my dinner guests is that our stories have consequences, that our beliefs often matter more than the grapes.”

Fact #2: The same wine tastes better when you’re on holiday

Last night I was privileged to attend a dinner where a sommelier was present to introduce the various wines to us. The first wine was from a small village in Italy, and I casually asked if the wine would taste different if we drank it there compared to here in Singapore. Her answer surprised me.

“Yes,” she said, “the wine would taste different back in Italy, not because the wine itself was different but because you would be different. You would be on holiday, relaxed and happy, and it is for this reason that the wine would taste better to you.”

She further elaborated that couples on honeymoon would taste the wine at a vineyard, find it delightful, and buy a bottle to take home. A year later, to celebrate their first anniversary, they would open the wine, this time no longer on honeymoon but in the middle of their normal hustle and bustle lifestyle, and they would go “Hmm… I remember it tasting much better.”

This sommelier had effectively told me the same thing as the study quoted above. The state of mind of the wine drinker has a lot more to do with the enjoyment of the wine than the wine itself. Two wine experts can’t be wrong!

Wine, life and happiness

So here’s the promised moral of the story and lesson on life. Since life is a lot like wine – mellowing with age, best enjoyed with friends, and slightly intoxicating – we can apply to life what we know about wine.

If you want to enjoy your wine: take an interest in it, relax and be happy.

If you want to enjoy your life: take an interest in it, relax and be happy.

Cheers everybody!

Top photo credit: ugod

Bottom photo credit: Robert S. Donovan