While giving in helps us avoid immediate unpleasantness, it often results in a build-up of anger and a simmering resentment under the surface.

If you experience these issues, you are not alone. Many people have difficulties setting boundaries. A personal boundary is a clear line which says “this is where my space begins and you’re not welcome in here.”

Anger is a signal

Anger is the clearest warning signal that someone has crossed your personal boundaries. A colleague asks you to do something and your eyes narrow while you think “Wait a minute, bozo, that’s your job not mine!” or an acquaintance criticises your doodles as amateurish while you seethe in anger wondering who gave her the right to judge your efforts when she’s no artist herself.

Most of us keep this anger to ourselves, trying to keep the peace. The result is an inner simmering that increases our resentment of the other person over time, and eventually erupts in an outburst that’s out of proportion to the trigger.

Setting your boundaries

Instead of hiding your anger or reacting to it, use it as a signal to do something so that the next time it happens, you have a prepared response. Setting boundaries has two parts:

1. Stating clearly where the boundary lies

2. Deciding on your response if the boundary is crossed.

Stating your boundary

It helps to write down your boundary very specifically. Use “I” sentences rather than “you” accusations. After all, the boundaries are yours and the other person cannot be expected to know what they are.

“I have many deadlines to meet and don’t have the time or energy to help you out.”

“I feel that you have no right to criticise my efforts.”

“I get irritated when you boss me around and tell me what to do.”

Deciding on your response

While you cannot prevent others from crossing your boundaries, you can decide what you will do next time it happens. Having a prepared response helps you to keep calm and stay in control.

Sometimes telling the person your boundary is enough to prevent it from happening again. This approach works if both are mature and value the relationship. However, sometimes the other person is unable or unwilling and continues to cross your boundary. Then you may have to use a verbal or physical response.

“I have many deadlines to meet and don’t have the time or energy to help you out. If you keep asking me to help I’m afraid I will have to start ignoring your requests.” (Or you may have to avoid this person by finding another place to work where she cannot find you.)

“I feel that you have no right to criticise my efforts. If I want your feedback in future I’ll be sure to ask you.“ (Or stand up and walk away once the criticism starts.)

“I get irritated when you boss me around and tell me what to do. If you ask nicely, I’ll listen and accede to your request if I can.” (Or simply smile sweetly the next time you’re bossed around, and pretend you didn’t hear anything.)

The first time is the hardest

Many of us find such responses confrontational and so avoid setting boundaries until we’re near breaking point. By that time our responses come across as anger or sarcasm. Or we stonewall and avoid the person altogether and lose a friendship.

As with all things, the first time is the hardest and practice makes perfect. So pick a boundary that you feel has been crossed too often, and decide on your response right now. Next time you sense someone crossing the boundary, practise your response quietly and calmly.

Whether the other person apologizes, lashes out, or is totally clueless, you’ll feel your self-esteem rocket and be proud of yourself for setting boundaries. You’ll earn the respect of the most important person – yourself.

And funnily enough, the more secure you feel about yourself, the fewer boundaries you will need and the easier it will be for you to set and enforce those boundaries.

photo credit: Daniel Berg

Some of my readers have been wondering if I’m ok because I’m posting less lately. I’ve been very well actually, and making new friends. The bad news is that I’ve found myself gossiping more than usual with this new found circle.

With every social group, it takes time to ascertain where the boundaries lie – what each person will and will not say or do. With my tried and tested friends, we know when our sharing of news is crossing over into hurtful gossip and we automatically stop and change the subject. With this new group, things are more fluid and the line has been crossed, often by myself, more often than I’d like. How do we prune the grapevine by cutting out the bad gossip and keeping the good?

“Good gossip is just what’s going on. Bad gossip is stuff that is salacious, mean, and bitchy; the kind most people really enjoy.”

- Liz Smith

photo credit: Quasic

Defining good and bad gossip

Humans being social creatures, it is near impossible to cut out gossip completely. We do want to know what’s going on with the people we know, and so we talk about them. It would also be slightly depressing to think that the people we know didn’t talk about us at all – surely we matter enough for them to mention sometimes?

So talking about others is part of the human condition, and therefore I find it hard to follow some advice that says don’t talk about other people at all. I mean, we could discuss philosophical ideologies all the time but it strikes me as a cold sort of existence.

It’s much more useful to define our boundary between good and bad gossip. For me, the difference lies in both the intention and the consequence. Good gossip should come with both well-meaning intentions and beneficial consequences for all. Bad gossip is when either the intention or the consequence, or both, are not good. Here’s a simple illustration.

Examples of good gossip could be:

• Parents talking about a difficult child and how to help him
• Spreading word about a project a colleague did well
• Warning a friend about someone’s suspicious behaviour in order to protect her from that person

Pruning the bad gossip

Once gossip crosses over into the ‘bad’ categories, what can we do? Tempting as it is to hear the juicy stories, most of us know in our hearts that we are compromising ourselves by letting the gossip continue. Most people adopt one of the following strategies:

1. Remain silent: This is probably the easiest method. It allows you to continue listening to the gossip without actively participating in it. The problem is you may be condoning the behaviour by being part of it.
2. Speak up: Objecting to the gossip forces others to recognise what they are doing and decide what to do. This requires more courage as you have to stand up to your pals and may come across as a self-righteous person.
3. Change the subject: Safer and easier than speaking up against the gossip. The downside is that you may find yourself having to change the subject many times during the conversation.
4. Walk away: Giving a reason to excuse yourself is a subtle way of sending a message that this activity is not acceptable to you. Unfortunately, not everyone gets a subtle message.
5. Change friends: Drastic is this is, sometimes we have to accept that we are not strong enough to handle bad gossip, and the best thing we can do is avoid the gossip-mongers.

Socrates’s Test of Three

I can’t remember where I first read this story and so am sorry that I can’t attribute the source. But it is the wisest way I’ve heard of managing gossip.

One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass the Test of Three. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass though, because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really…”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True not Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

photo credit: bencrowe

The healthy grapevine – good gossip only

Our grapevine keeps us connected to the community we live in. Good gossip – true, good and useful news – has a role in our lives. But bad gossip is a cancer that has to be cut away before it gets out of control and harms us.

It’s not always easy to draw and maintain this fine line, but I’m going to try and hope you will too!

I spent years learning how to encourage instead of put down. For a while my mantra was “Praise, Not Perfect.” At first, it was hard to find the right words, apart from a vague “well done”. Slowly, I learnt how to find words that encouraged the other person without sounding hollow or forced.

photo credit: alessandraelle

How to encourage the SMART way

While trying to figure out how to give meaningful encouragement, I realised that the acronym “SMART”, used for goal-setting, was quite useful. Here’s how to apply the SMART approach to encourage others.

S – Specific

While any praise feels good, there is a greater impact when the person knows what exactly he did well. Consider the difference between being vague and being specific in the following examples:

Vague: “You did well on that project.”
Specific: “You chose a really catchy name for that project. I can’t get it out of my mind.”

Vague: “Your teacher says you’re a good student.”
Specific: “Your teacher says she’s very happy that you always hand in your work on time.”

Vague: “I’m so glad I’m married to you.”
Specific: “I’m so proud to be your wife because you open the door for me every time, even after 10 years of marriage.”

M – Measurable

Even if the person knows what exactly he did well, he may not realise why this is so important to you. Letting him know the impact on you in measurable terms will make your praise meaningful.

“You chose a really catchy name for that project. I can’t get it out of my mind. I’ll be sure to remember it next time I need inspiration for my own projects.“

“Your teacher says she’s very happy that you always hand in your work on time. This saves her the trouble of having to remind you and gives her ample time to go through your assignments in detail.“

“I’m so proud to be your wife because you open the door for me every time, even after 10 years of marriage. When my friends see this and give me envious looks, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.“

A – Action

When you praise a person’s character, he may get a warm fuzzy feeling but there’s not much he can do after that. When you praise an action instead, he has the option of choosing to repeat that action. How much more practical, therefore, to encourage a “what” rather than a “who”.

Who: “You are a valuable employee.”
What: “You chose a catchy name for that project.”

Who: “You are such a good student.”
What: “You hand in your work on time.”

Who: “You are the world’s best husband.”
What: “You are the best for opening doors for me.”

R – Relevant

We sometimes give encouragement that seems to go nowhere. I’m often guilty of this, raving about a friend’s new shoes when I know her current goal is to make more friends. Relevant encouragement is more helpful to that person by nudging her in the direction she wants to go rather than distracting her from it.

Goal: Get a promotion at work.

Irrelevant: “You chose a really catchy name for that project. You should consider a career in advertising.”
Relevant: “You chose a really catchy name for that project. I bet the bosses will pay attention when you present it at next week’s meeting.”

Goal: Improve grades in school.

Irrelevant: “It’s great that you hand in your work on time because it gives you more time to play once the work is done.”
Relevant: “It’s great that you hand in your work on time because planning ahead allows you time to plan and produce quality work which can get better results.”

Goal: Spending more time with your spouse

Irrelevant: “When you open doors for me, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world because my friends all envy me.”
Relevant: “When you open doors for me, it makes me proud to be with you and I miss you even more when you’re not around.”

T – Timely

Books on dog training say that the best time to give a dog a biscuit is when it has just done something you want it to do. If you give the biscuit later, it won’t connect the reward to the action and you would have failed in reinforcing the behaviour you want. Children seem to know this – they ask for their promised reward as soon as they’ve performed the deed.

The best time to give encouragement for an action is when the person is still experiencing emotion connected to the action. Your timely encouragement can add to that emotion and stimulate the formation of synapses in the mind, reinforcing the person’s memory of and motivation to repeat the action.

Emotions from an action can last from a few seconds to a few days. The best time to offer encouragement is within minutes of the person performing the action. If this is not possible, anything within the next few days still has a chance of having an impact. Waiting a week is probably too long, though you know what they say – better late than never.

How to be a SMART encourager

Those of us not naturally gifted at encouragement will simply have to practise. I started by just thinking encouraging thoughts about others, because I couldn’t say the words without tripping over them. Eventually it became easier to offer meaningful encouragement, though obviously I’m still working on it.

And if you can’t figure out how to give encouragement the SMART way, just relax. A “well done” is better than nothing, and even a smile can make a person’s day.