Office politics, power play, personality conflicts, conflicting instructions… the best of us get plagued by these at some point in our lives. The fortunate ones escape such situations eventually, but for some the option to leave is not viable. How then do we go through each day maintaining personal integrity and sanity in the midst of chaos? Here are some suggestions.

photo credit: quinn.anya

1. Adopt a Hero

I remember seeing car bumper stickers with the words “What Would Jesus Do?” written on them. This was the question some Christians asked themselves when faced with tough choices in today’s world. Imagining what your personal hero would do in your circumstances gives you an example of personal integrity that you can imitate.

2. Draw a boundary

Identifying your non-negotiable values is another way to maintain personal integrity. For example, tell yourself that you could put up with all sorts of unreasonable instructions except those demanding that you snitch on a colleague, lie to a customer, or disobey your supervisor. Then, simplify your life by going along with whatever is needed as long as these core values are not challenged.

3. Decline to play

Sometimes other people try to draw us into their battles, urging us to take sides in one way or another. Refuse to be drawn in. Instead of allowing two managers to use you as a pawn in their power struggle, you can try telling them politely that “I can see you disagree with XYZ, and that is a matter you have to take up with him.” You may have to do this a few times until people realise that you’re too smart to get trapped in the middle of a losing game.

4. Hang around wiser buddies

One of the mistakes I made early in my working life was to hang around negative people. Naturally their constant whining affected my own attitude. In hindsight I should have spent more time with colleagues who were able to rise above the nonsense and stay focused on what was important to the job and to themselves. Wise people find a way to keep their personal integrity in the midst of chaos, and just being around them helps us learn to do the same.

5. Decide your limit

Much as we would like to make every situation work, sometimes you need to know when to call it quits. Decide in advance the point at which you would find it completely unacceptable to stay on, and walk away if and when that point is reached (for example, when harsh criticism of your work quality crosses over to personal insults against you). Leaving calmly when your limit is reached, rather than reacting in blind anger, allows you to maintain personal integrity and dignity right to the end.

Be nobody but yourself

This post may have made it sound easy to maintain personal integrity, and yet we all know it is not easy at all. True personal integrity is hard-won, and yet that is what makes it so worthwhile. Here’s one of my favourite quotes to cheer you on your uphill path…

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any  human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

- e e cummings

So all I can say to my dear reader is: Keep climbing, keep going!

If I asked you “what are your personal strengths?” would you be able to answer with conviction? If so, are you already using those strengths in the work that occupies most of your waking hours?

My own answers to those questions tended to be vague, until I came across this excellent framework for identifying personal strengths.

photo credit: sumobackup

The 24 personal strengths listed here are based on research by psychologists Peterson and Seligman in their book Character Strengths and Virtues.

Personal Strengths of Wisdom and Knowledge

1. Creativity

Do people come to you for novel solutions to tricky problems? Do you enjoy seeking alternative ways of doing things? Is your mind constantly challenging the status quo and looking for a better way?

2. Curiosity

Do you ask lots of questions and stop only when the other person is obviously tired of answering? Have you had your fair share of accidents and injuries because you just had to try something out?

3. Open-Mindedness

Are you able to hold two contradictory thoughts at the same time while others are taking sides? When presented with a radical idea, do you consider it a possibility instead of judging it right away?

4. Love of Learning

Is there always a book in your bag so you can pull it out to read when you have a few spare minutes? Do you get an adrenaline rush from learning new skills or attending classes or seminars?

5. Perspective

Can you see things from different points of view without making a conscious effort to? Do people tend to respond to your thoughtful comments with “I never saw things that way…”?

Personal Strengths of Courage

6. Bravery

Do you readily go where angels fear to tread? When everyone is holding back, are you the one who stands up to volunteer with words like “what the heck” or “you never know until you try”?

7. Persistence

When others are ready to quit, are you the one who encourages them to try just one more time? Have you doggedly worked at a problem until you find the solution instead of giving up or passing the problem on to someone else?

8. Integrity

Have you ever told the truth knowing that it would cost you money, friends, and perhaps your reputation? Do you do the ‘right’ thing all the time, even when no one is watching?

9. Vitality

Do you inject energy into the projects you’re involved in? Do things seem to somehow pick up speed when you around? Do people give more of themselves when you are working alongside them?

Personal Strengths of Humanity

10. Love

When you look at people, do you see what they look like or do you see who they really are? Do you feel a deep appreciation for everyone you meet because each is unique and special?

11. Kindness

Are in incapable of walking past a street busker without dropping a few notes or coins into his box? Have you done good deeds for strangers on a regular basis because you saw the difficult situations they were in?

12. Social intelligence

Can you sense the mood of people in the room the moment you walk into it? Are you able to tell who gets along and who does not after a quick observation? Do people readily ‘click’ with you even when they don’t get along with each other?

Personal Strengths of Justice

13. Citizenship

Are you proud to be a member of an organisation or nation?Are you an ambassador for your company or country? is loyalty to this group very important to you?

14. Fairness

Were you the child who kept saying “that’s not fair”? Have you given up your share of something because you felt it was not right that other people didn’t have the same privilege? Do you see everyone as having equal rights?

15. Leadership

Do people look to you for guidance in chaos or in general? Does a group seem to ‘gel’ only when you’re there to hold it together? Do those in your group excel under your tutelage when they weren’t making it elsewhere?

Personal Strengths of Temperance

16. Forgiveness

Are you able to let go when people have repeatedly hurt you? Do you understand that harbouring a grudge hurts you more than it hurts them? Do you accept the frailty of human nature and allow people space to make mistakes?

17. Humility

Do you constantly learn from other people, even those who are younger or less educated or experienced than you? Can you accept praise graciously while not taking personal credit and walking on air immediately after?

18. Prudence

When given two options, do you usually choose the less risky, less expensive, less high-profile one? Do you tend to view others’ excesses as flamboyant or extravagant, and often advise people to ‘tone down’?

19. Self-Control

Are you able to deny yourself what you want because of a higher purpose or objective? When tempted to spend or eat beyond your plan, can you smile and say no most of the time without feeling deprived?

Personal Strengths of Transcendance

20. Appreciation of Beauty

Do you pause often to take in a view, gaze skywards, or observe animals in motion? Does a sense of awe sweep over you often when you contemplate the vastness of nature and the intimate details of life?

21. Gratitude

Are the words “thank you” on your lips and in your heart practically everyday? Is your reaction to people, events and things one of appreciation and gladness that this wonderful thing came your way?

22. Hope

Can you always see the silver lining when others see only a dark cloud? Is your mantra ‘tomorrow will be better than today’ or ‘don’t worry, everything will be ok’ or ‘things will work out, you’ll see’?

23. Humour

Can you see the lighter side of almost every situation? Do you see the folly of human self-importance? Do people relax around you because you help them to take themselves and life less seriously?

24. Spirituality

Do you feel connected to a source that is higher and deeper than yourself? Are you detached from things of this world? Do you feel that the ‘real’ world is inside you rather than outside?

Shortlist Your Personal Strengths

If you’re like me and feel that many of the 24 strengths apply to you, then you can cross out ‘Humility’ right away. That leaves only 23! ;) Then keep on eliminating those that you think are probable, until you’re left with those you absolutely cannot cross out because they are YOU.

Ideally you should have a list of about 3 to 5 personal strengths to be able to meaningfully work with these. A ‘shortlist’ should, after all, be short!

Innate vs Acquired Personal Strengths

There may be some ‘strengths’ that you’ve worked hard to acquire. Those are probably skills you have learnt, rather than personal strengths per se.

For example, I had to learn to be grateful. It took practice and became natural only after months of keeping a gratitude journal. However, I never had to learn how to be curious. All my life I’ve wanted to understand, to know how things work, to find the truths of life.

Play to Your Personal Strengths

‘Playing to your strengths’ has a literal as well as a figurative meaning. You’ll know something is a strength when it’s play to you, when you’re enjoying the process, when you would pay to engage in the process.

The figurative meaning is, of course, finding work and pastimes that build on your personal strengths. Patching up your weaknesses may help you level up; playing to your strengths can help you shoot for the stars.

The purpose of Dear Life Coaches is to bring life coaches together with those seeking life coaching but don’t know which life coach they want to work with.

What prompted me to set up this blog was noticing that some bloggers get asked for guidance but are not keen on the role of life coach. Other bloggers are life coaches who can help. So I put two and two together and decided to see if a ‘meeting place‘ like this would be of use.

How the blog works

1. Anyone interested in seeking life coaching is invited to send an email with details on their life situation and what kind of help they want.
2. The email will be posted as a blog post, and any life coach is welcome to offer advice on the approach they would take.
3. The person can read all the advice given and decide if there is any life coach in particular they would like to work with.
4. He or she can contact the life coach directly via the link in the comments section or in the sidebar to discuss a consultation or package.

What’s in it for you

• Bloggers: If you have a blog and are not a life coach, this is where you can direct your readers who may want personalised advice.
• Readers: If you’re not a blogger but know friends who are looking for some guidance in life, you could send them the link.
• Seekers: If you’re a reader who would like some professional advice, send an email and see if you can learn something from the responses and perhaps find a coach whom you can work with.
• Coaches: If you’re a life coach who can offer advice, the site offers you access to people seeking life coaching, and visibility for your own site. Stacey / Create A Balance holds the top spot in the sidebar at the moment!

What’s in it for me

• I got the idea in one of those “Aha!” moments and decided to act and set up the blog instead of sitting on an idea as I often do. If the site takes off, I will be gratified that I actually took action on something meaningful.
• As I’m not a life coach, I won’t be participating in the comments section to give advice. I will just be an administrator. My job is to filter out non-genuine seekers and non-genuine coaches (for example those who don’t have their own life coaching website).
• I’m also hoping to learn more about life from real-life questions by real-life people, and real-life advice from real-life coaches. Knowing what concerns people have can give me some ideas for topics here on Joyful Days.

Making the site work

Since a lot of people stand to benefit if the site takes off, I’m asking for your help in spreading the word. I would be grateful if you help by:

• Mentioning Dear Life Coaches in a blog post
• Putting the logo in your sidebar by copying the image and uploading it to your site, or using this link: “http://joyfuldays.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/dearlifecoaches.jpg”. Please remember to hyperlink the image to “http://dearlifecoaches.com/”!
• Sending a question to get the momentum going
• Subscribing to the feed so you will receive any questions posted

Feedback and questions

I’m very open to feedback and suggestions on the new blog. Please feel free to tell me:

• Why you think it will or will not work
• How to make it work

Thanks very much!