Celebrate The Single Life

Coffee Makes Her HappyThere are more singles today in the developed world than ever before. This is due to several factors: a more hectic lifestyle with no time for old-fashioned dating and deepening of relationships, women becoming more highly educated and finding it harder to find their equal, an increasing divorce rate due largely to neglect as work takes precedence over family, and a shift in values emphasising freedom and personal happiness over commitment and compromise.

photo credit: Randy Son Of Robert

1. Embrace singleness

While you may not have chosen singlehood, there is no point being miserable while you’re single. Though we are wired to yearn for companionship, your happiness should not depend on having someone else in your life. If you cannot be happy as a single, it is unlikely you’ll be happy in a relationship because you’ll then expect your partner to somehow make you happy. This unrealistic expectation is a set-up for failure.

Use your time as a single to become a better person. Learn to feel comfortable with yourself, to get along better with others, to contribute to society. When you are secure in yourself and your role in the world, you’ll bring more stability and joy to any relationship you enter later. And if you do not end up in a relationship, you’ll feel happy and fulfilled anyway because you’ve lived well.

2. Appreciate your freedoms

Here are some reasons to be grateful that you’re single:

a. You make all the decisions in your life – about how to spend money, what to wear, where to go, what to do, who to hang out with, what time you stay out until, what job to take, which career to pursue, how much to weigh.

b. You sleep through the night – no snoring partner, noisy TV when you’re trying to sleep, crying babies to keep you up, messy diaper changes when your eyes are barely open, waking up at ungodly hours to get the children ready for school.

c. You can sprawl out on the bed – no need to politely keep to your side of the bed, or share your comfy blanket, or shiver all night because your partner has the entire blanket in an iron grip and won’t let go no matter how hard you yank.

d. You travel faster – everything is done at your own pace, instead of waiting for your partner to put on her make-up or style his hair; you pack your own bag and no one else’s; you can take a vacation anytime instead of co-ordinating busy schedules.

e. You can date whoever you want to – enough said.

3. Form good habits

When two people try to merge their separate lifestyles into one, there are going to be some challenges. You’ll have to adjust to the other person’s preferences and routines. If you don’t have good habits by then, you’ll most likely adopt the other person’s. Women are especially prone to this, and it’s called ‘losing yourself’. When that happens, you become more and more unhappy in the relationship without even knowing why, and eventually the relationship breaks down.

Take this time while you’re alone to establish good habits that will be strong enough to remain part of your life when you are in a relationship later. This is how you’ll remain ‘you’. These habits should address health, family, friends, and yourself. For example, running for 30 minutes everyday to keep healthy and fit, a weekly lunch with your parents, monthly outings with close friends, and quiet time by yourself before bed every night.

When you’ve had a habit for a long enough time, you’re likely to keep the habit even if you have to make some adjustments later. For example, the weekly lunch with your parents may become a fortnightly lunch, because you have to lunch with your partner’s parents too. The point is that you’re unlikely to drop the habit completely once it’s strong enough.

4. Date widely

While you still can, date a wide range of people. Sometimes the reason you’re single is that you’ve always gone out with the same type in the past, and that type could be all wrong for you. Dating widely means you’ll stop being picky and will go out with anyone who’s vaguely decent. Write down three things that you simply will not tolerate in a person. Then, if someone asks you out and does not trigger anything in that list, you will say yes.

Before you scream murder, let me remind you that you’re going to meet these unlikely types just this once, not marry them. The best attitude to take to a date is that this will be a one-off meeting, just to have a fun time out instead of sitting at home. Most dates will work out to be one-offs. That’s great, because then you’ll get to meet lots of people and figure out what you really want.

The point of dating is not to find that special someone, but to keep yourself socially adjusted by realising how real and imperfect every person is, rather than waiting for an imagined ideal person to come along. The focus of dating therefore is not on the other person, it’s on you. It’s part of your preparation for a relationship with a real person later.

5. Enjoy your own company

Dating widely is optional. Learning to be happy with yourself and by yourself is not. Remember that even in a marriage, you will often be on your own while your spouse works or attends to other personal obligations that don’t include you. Of course some partners are glued at the hip, but the best marriages have “spaces in your togetherness”, in the immortal words of Kahlil Gibran.

In the same work, Gibran writes that “the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow”. This period of singleness is your time in the sun, for you to set down firm roots and grow tall and strong as a person in your own right. Since like attracts like, your future partner whom you haven’t met is probably doing the same. Someday, as you individually enrich your lives and branch out to bless other people, then you’ll meet each other as solid, stable individuals that will bless not only yourselves but other people by your union.

And if you continue as a single? Well, it’s still far more majestic and becoming of you to be an oak or cypress than a weeping willow.



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Posted by Daphne | September 7, 2008 | in Love Much


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2 Responses to “Celebrate The Single Life”

  1. dating parents
    September 28th, 2008 @ 6:50 am

    nice website keep up to good work

  2. Something to be said for being single | The Single Rider
    June 3rd, 2009 @ 9:24 am

    [...] Celebrate The Single Life | Joyful Days. [...]

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  • Comments by Readers

  • nudgeme: Hi Daphne Lovely to see a post on Joyful days in my Google Reader this morning – and such an uplifting one at that! I concur with...
  • vered - blogger for hire: “Which is partly why I’m blogging less now – I have a happy life to keep me occupied!” This is great. You...
  • Tess The Bold Life: I can attest that they all work. I’ve even been quite happy in the middle even though I’m sliding out of that...
  • J.D. Meier: Excellent rundown. I used to think happiness was doing nothing, then I found out it’s actually doing something. It’s got to...
  • Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord: The “work on your terms” is interesting to me, especially your suggestion that it doesn’t mean we...
  • Annaly: The tongue is a had thing to get control of, but I like your concept of good and bad gossip.
  • Hilary: Hi Daphne – the points you describe so well are so true – Believe in Something – the Dale Carnegie quote .. if we occupy ourselves, we live...
  • Lance: Hi Daphne, This is so good to read! And really, reading this I feel a deep sense of happiness both for you, and within you. Daphne, this is...
  • Baker: Wow. I have to mention that these tips here are very powerful. This is excellent. I can definetly see that you really did an amazing job at...
  • Carla: I can definitely relate to having something to look forward to. When you live your live day by day in a tape loop, it can make things pretty...
  • James Gray: To say that there is no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ just because they seem to require opposites makes no...
  • MJ: Maybe there are individuals who may have gone through an expereince that would follow.. having been able to choose to be in one Parallel...
  • Hulbert: Hi Daphne, gossiping isn’t really that big of a problem for me because I tend to not hang out with people that just gossip all day....
  • Sara: Daphne — It’s been some time since I visited and I’m glad I came by today. I liked all your suggestions about handling...
  • alessandraelle: Thank you for using my photo and for the exact credits! :-) Ciao from Italy.
  • Daniel: Heya Daphne! Great seeing a new post from you in my reader. :) I too wrote about that story (Socrate’s Teaches The Test of 3)...
  • Daphne: Daphne! Hi, it’s the other Daphne! :) I LOVE the Socrates story – I hadn’t heard it before. I now have a sticky note in...
  • Island Girl: Dear Daphne I have recently moved to a very small island where people do nothing but gossip. I came knowing this would be the case but...
  • Hilda: I used to love a good gossip! Not so much anymore though. I love to hear and pass on good news, but I’m not into the nasty stuff now....
  • Evelyn Lim: I enjoyed reading the story about Socrates that you posted. I don’t like to engage in gossips myself. I have few opportunities to...