Eat Humble Pie

I love my desserts just like everyone else, but humble pie is certainly not one of them! Yet this is an essential part of life’s diet. Those who us who are unable to admit their errors and apologise come across as arrogant, foolish, or both. This holds us back in our careers and relationships.

How do you know if you’re truly in the wrong, and how do you take the difficult step of being the first to back down and reach out?

1. Is principle or ego at play?

Firstly, clarify whether you are taking the moral high ground because of a sound principle, or because of your ego. Stand up if it’s based on principle, stand down if it’s ego.

If you have to think about what principle is at play in any given situation, it’s probably not principle but ego. Look out for feelings of indignation, resentment, or any form of negative emotion. These are the signs of a pricked ego.

Principle is much more detached, and you’ll feel more like an observer noting something amiss in the situation, without being emotionally invested in it.

2. Which matters more – the principle or the relationship?

If you are maintaining your ground on principle, but it is causing friction with another person, you have to decide which matters more.

This is a very personal judgment with no right or wrong answer. Some principles are so important that they are worth not only giving up friendships for, but are even worth dying for.

A good way to decide which matters more is to ask yourself this: when you are on your deathbed, would you rather cherish the principle upheld throughout your life, or would you rather have that person beside you? Your answer will tell you which matters more in this case.

3. Express remorse

There are a few phrases most of us need to get more intimate with:

a. “I am sorry”

Saying sorry is relatively easy because you usually really are sorry when you fall out with someone you care about. Saying sorry does not admit liability or guilt, but simply expresses a heartfelt regret that things have come to this stage.

b. “I was wrong”

This requires more courage since you are admitting that you are at fault. It takes a big person to say this. The good news is that once you’ve said it, the other person usually responds by accepting part of the responsibility as well.

c. “Please forgive me”

While asking for forgiveness seems melodramatic and archaic, it offers an opportunity for healing. When the quarrel has been extremely hurtful, or the relationship deeply damaged, healing is necessary. You may need to feel forgiven and the other person may need to give it in order to feel restored to dignity.

4. Speak through your behaviour

You may not be comfortable with expressing remorse verbally, in which case you can still hold out an olive branch by behaving in a way that lets the other person know you do feel sorry and want to make up for it.

Do something nice for that person, leave a small gift for him, or just touch her arm or slap his back as you walk past. Any of these will be understood as moving toward the other person and accepted in lieu of a proper apology.

Include eating humble pie into your personal growth diet. It is one of the rare desserts that may actually be good for you.