Detach from Outcomes
Our relationships with other people are the main sources of our happiness and also the biggest causes of our heartaches.
The heartaches happen when we expect certain outcomes from our relationships: that our children do as we say, that our partners show love the way we want them to, that our friends agree to our requests, that the person we love reciprocates our feelings.
While letting go of expectations goes a long way to living a joyful life, this is hard for many people to do. Detaching from outcomes may perhaps be easier. How do we do this?
1. Identify possible outcomes
Many of the issues that we obsess over usually have only two possible outcomes: either you get the job or you don’t, either she will come back to you or she won’t, either he will ask you out or he won’t.
2. Plan the best action in each case
Funnily enough, the best action no matter which outcome actually happens tends to be the same. This also tends to be the best way we can treat ourselves in any case. I’ll use romantic relationships as an example as this seems to be a major cause of heartache for most people.
Example 1
After a break-up it is very common to hope that the other person comes back to us. If she comes back, then there is no need to grieve and your best action is to continue exercising etc so you’ll be in great shape when she sees you again. If she does not come back, your best action is to continue exercising through your grief so you’ll be in great shape to start dating other people.
Example 2
If he asks you out, your best action is to continue hanging out with your friends so you remain objective, strengthen your friendships, and remain your own person. If he doesn’t ask you out, your best action is to continue hanging out with your friends so you get to meet people instead of sitting at home waiting for him to call.
3. Focus on the action
Once we realise that the outcome makes no difference to our best course of action, we can focus on the action which is within our control, rather than the outcome which is outside our control.
This brings two key benefits: the confidence that we are in control of our lives bolsters our esteem, and our actions often bring tangible external benefits like new friends or a better appearance. This gives a double boost to happiness.
Bonus outcomes
Besides making ourselves happier what we detach from outcomes, we also release those around us from the need to produce our desired outcomes. This frees them to be themselves, to live their own lives freely and joyfully instead of trying to fulfill some need in ours.
And very often, our detachment from outcomes and the joy it brings makes us attractive to others who then want to be around us. By detaching from what we want, we very often get what we used to want. And even if we don’t get it, it doesn’t matter because we’ve taught ourselves not to want.
When we detach from outcomes, the heartaches evaporate and the joy remains.
photo credit: Vincent van der Pas
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10 Responses to “Detach from Outcomes”
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January 25th, 2011 @ 1:34 am
Well put.
Outcomes guide us, but it’s the journey we grow from.
One of my mentors is quick to remind me, “Focus on what you control, and let the rest go.”
March 9th, 2011 @ 2:11 pm
Hello Daphne! Been missing your writings. You have nice insights there about detaching from outcomes. I’m still in the process of growing and learning, and I can’t say I’m as detached as I should be, which explains the frustrations I still experience. I hope I could indeed be able to let go of these expectations, and to be more secure in God’s love, knowing that whatever happens, there will always be a constant outcome that will never let me down.
March 9th, 2011 @ 3:32 pm
Hello Joyce! Yes I’m not posting as much now. Still working on detaching too, though it’s easier with practice :) Feeling frustration is part of the process and there’s nothing wrong with it. Thanks for dropping by and commenting!
JD, late response I know but thanks!
April 7th, 2011 @ 2:10 am
Yes, those “expectations” can get us all stressed out and disappointed. It is not wrong to have some expectations but we also need to remember that folks are not going to be able to meet ALL. No one is perfect, but that is not an excuse not to do what is right. At the age of 52, I am finally learning to not look to my live in boyfriend (age 57) for everything. Yes, he is great, but I found myself getting into arguments over silly stuff – life is far too precious – let certain stuff go and move on. Great post!
My Blog: A Story of Hope!
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April 7th, 2011 @ 11:23 pm
I had posted a comment yesterday but do not see it. Thanks.
April 14th, 2011 @ 10:25 am
Hi Angela,
I went through my spam folder and found your post. Apparently it was sent to spam because you had inserted a link back to your site. I’ve restored your previous comment. Thanks for dropping by!
Daphne
April 23rd, 2011 @ 12:09 am
Hi Daphne:
You are AWESOME for taking the time to do this for me. I hope to see some more new material from you soon.
Angela
April 27th, 2011 @ 1:56 am
Hi Daphne:
Detachment definitely takes much practice!! It seems once I get better at letting something go, whether it be people places or things, a new attachment appears :) makes me crazy sometimes…but in a much healthier way these days! Thanks for sharing your insights and I’m looking forward to many more.
May 11th, 2011 @ 8:28 pm
Hi Angela,
Thanks so much for your lovely and encouraging comment. I’ve been really busy, and apologise for the late replies to your comments, but yes I hope to be writing again soon!
Daphne
May 11th, 2011 @ 8:30 pm
Hi Jan,
I was just reading the writings of some Buddhist masters and even they say it is a lifelong practice, so I guess it is only normal that once an old attachment is released, new ones claim our affections. We are just normal :)
Daphne