Honour Your Needs

Sometimes you can be too good. You can give of yourself to others, let go of expectations, love like it’s never going to hurt and basically be a saint. Well, saints are human too and so are you. You have needs and will wilt slowly if your needs are not met. This does neither yourself nor the people around you any good.

The key to honouring your needs are to make sure that they are truly needs and not mere desires, finding ways to meet those needs yourself, and asking nicely if you want another person to help meet your needs.

1. Determine if your needs are reasonable

We often confuse wants for needs. There are three simple ways to differentiate between the two.

a. Time

Wants usually change over time, whereas needs do not. You may have wanted a round-the-world tour when you were younger, but now prefer chilling out at a beach resort. What does not change is the fact that you need an occasional holiday.

In your relationship, you may have wanted roses and romance in your youth, but are now thrilled when your partner does a practical errand for you. What has not changed is your need to feel special, that someone is willing to go out of their way just for you.

b. Quantity

True needs are few, while wants are limitless. Write down everything you think you want, and see if you can group all of them into a few categories. For example, (i) gettting a promotion at work, (ii) not being interrupted by my wife, and (iii) winning tomorrow’s golf game may all fall under the category ‘ having recognition and respect’.

Your need is therefore to have recognition and respect, and the things you want or think you want are merely the ways you see yourself as having gained recognition and respect.

c. Abstractness

Needs are understood conceptually, in an abstract way. Wants tend to be specific words or actions that you want to experience in order to feel that the abstract need has been fulfilled.

For example, winning a golf game is a very specific outcome. The need it fulfills is much more abstract, the need to gain recognition and respect as a sportsman. Wanting a rose from your partner is a specific way of knowing that your need to be loved has been met.

2. Fulfil the need yourself

Instead of waiting for others to meet our needs, it is much simpler to try to fulfil them yourself. If you need to feel special, you don’t have to wait for your spouse to buy you flowers. You could treat yourself to a pedicure or spa and enjoy being pampered by someone else.

If you need peace and quiet, don’t wait for the kids to decide to behave. Wake up an hour earlier and enjoy the tranquillity of the morning before the rest of the world starts its day. Then your need will have been met and you can enthusiastically join the kids in their rowdy play later.

The point is to take responsibility for meeting your own needs. This puts you in the driver’s seat and allows you to take control of your life without being at the mercy of other people’s behaviour. An important consequence is that you also free others from being hostage to your demands.

3. Ask nicely

If you have a need which requires the co-operation of another person, then you will have to approach that person. Instead of demanding that he meet your need as your right, explain the need and give examples of what would satisfy that need. Then ask politely for the other person to consider one of those actions.

The key is to ask without expecting. If you convey your need as a demand or expectation, that need is much less likely to be met because most people have a psychological resistance to being told what to do. Even if the other person obliges, the action will be performed as an obligation and not a gift, and you may not feel fully satisfied. Also, the other person may only act as you demand once or twice, but is unlikely to change his behaviour in the long term.

When you give the other person freedom to meet or not meet your need, without expectation, the results can vary. Sometimes the other person will continue not meeting your needs, in which case you have to try to fulfill those needs yourself. In this case, you are no worse off than before.

Often though, innate human kindness will ensure that the person will respond once he feels that you are not pressuring him to. This response will mean a lot more to you because it is heartfelt and sincere, and because the other person’s better understanding of what you need will lead to longer term adjustments in his attitude and behaviour.

I’ve found personally that merely making my need known to another person is often enough, even without any action on the other person’s part. This is because I have been true to myself by not denying my needs but giving them due recognition. The very act of honouring your needs will meet one of your very deepest human needs – the need to know that you matter.

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