Know When To Stop

Living is full of paradoxes. We should work hard, but also take time to smell the roses; put others first, yet take care of ourselves; believe we can have it all, yet be grateful for what we have; plan for the future, but live each day as if it were our last.

One of those paradoxes is that you must persevere and not give up, yet know when to cut your losses. When do you know it’s time to stop trying? I struggle with this too, and here are a few thoughts.

1. Know your thresholds

People have different thresholds for pain. Some can take more than others, and the same person may be able to withstand a high level of pain in one area but hardly any in another. There is no set formula and every individual has to figure where her own thresholds are. Here’s a touching example of someone with a very high threshold because what she wants matters so much to her.

When attending negotiating courses, one of the principles taught is knowing when to walk away. It’s more complicated in other aspects of life, but the same principle applies.

In investing, you need to know how much you can afford to lose. Only risk this amount, or cut your losses when they reach this threshold. At work, you need to know your limits of overwork beyond which you start losing your sanity, and decide to make the necessary adjustments to return meaning to your life. In relationships, you must decide the level of abuse or neglect you can put up with before you say goodbye, and so safeguard your safety and human dignity.

Although it sounds simple, you’ll only know your real limits from experience, and that can be a tough teacher. The good news is that if you’re a reasonably fast learner, you’ll only need the lesson once.

2. Have a reason to move on

You lose a part of you when you give up something that you’ve invested your time, money or emotions in. If you decide to walk away from all that, you should know what you’re walking towards. There must be some higher purpose that gives meaning to the loss.

This means that you don’t give up simply because you’re tired, angry, sad, or frustrated. You stop what you’re doing because logically it does not make sense anymore, because it is preventing you from achieving something else that is more important. 37signals offers a technical perspective about basing your decision not on what you’ve already sunk in, but what you’ll need to continue putting in to make things work, and whether this is worth it.

For example, you may cut your losses in the stockmarket because you need whatever is left for a downpayment on a property. You may decide to quit your job because you need more personal time to save your marriage. You may leave a relationship because it frees you to pursue a worthwhile dream.

3. Hold your head high

A general guideline for making hard decisions is whether you can look yourself in the mirror and be at peace with what you see. Even if you are hurting inside, you should see a certain clearness in your eyes, and feel a calmness in your soul. If your emotions are turbulent and arguments continue to rage in your mind, perhaps you are giving up too soon.

I also find that if you are too quick to defend your decision to others, then perhaps you stopped for the wrong reasons. The human psyche is fascinating and I think it tries to achieve balance. If you suspect deep down that you are wrong to give up, you will try harder to justify your action to make it seem more right.

When it is truly the right decision to move on, you will not need to explain this to anyone, not even yourself. And you will not have second thoughts. You may even wonder, with the benefit of hindsight, why it took you so long to stop whatever was obviously not working.

This, at least, is how it works for me. Today I stopped something that wasn’t working out for me personally. It’s not easy, and a little painful, but I feel relieved and at peace, and free to move on. Maybe it works differently for you. Feel free to share your thoughts here; it may help someone else who’s struggling with whether or not to finally stop trying.



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Posted by Daphne | October 28, 2008 | in Be Kind


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2 Responses to “Know When To Stop”

  1. Vincent
    October 29th, 2008 @ 5:16 pm

    Hi Daphne,

    I like the first idea of having a threshold for investing. Knowing how much risk you are able to take in investing is definitely a attribute that is needed.

    Cheers
    Vincent
    Personal Development Blogger

    Vincents last blog post..Do You Give Up Easily?

  2. Daphne Lim
    October 29th, 2008 @ 7:17 pm

    You are right, Vincent. Unfortunately I had to learn that the hard way! This financial meltdown has taught many of us some painful lessons.

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