Knowing When Not To Interfere

A few days ago I was walking behind a mother who was screaming at her young son. She hurled words like “Go away from me, I don’t want you.” In my broken-heartedness for the child who had to put up with rejection by his own mother, I almost went up to him to say “Don’t worry, I want you.”

What would you have done? Do we have any right to interfere with the way a parent brings up her child? How do we know that we know better? When do we step in to try to make a difference, and when do we hang back because interfering would make things worse?

photo credit: memekode

The kicking giraffe

In Gary Richmond’s A New View From The Zoo, he describes how a giraffe would kick its newborn calf until it got on its feet. Unbelievably, once it stood up, the mother would kick the baby down, and continue kicking until it got up again. It would repeat this process until the baby was too exhausted to go on, then kick one more time and finally leave it standing. Apparently this is necessary for survival, since the baby giraffe needs to know how to get to its feet quickly to flee from lions, hyenas and other predators in the wild.

22by7 has a well-written post on Learning From A Giraffe which draws some useful lessons from the way a baby giraffe is taught to get to its feet every time it is down.

Nature knows its work

A well-meaning observer who was unaware of nature’s design may attempt to ‘rescue’ the baby giraffe from its mother, and possibly doom the baby in the event of an attack. In this instance, an action that appears cruel at first glance is actually best for the baby. The rest of us should stand back and not interfere with nature’s design.

Perhaps then, this is true for other species as well. As an observer, we know less about a child’s needs and temperament than its own mother. A casual observation of a few moments cannot endow us with the wisdom of a mother who has spent sleepless nights, watchful days, and years of emotional energy watching her child grow.

When in doubt, don’t

One of the principles in medicine is “first, do no harm.” Although intervention offers the hope of a cure, it also carries with it the risk of worsening the situation. Doctors are reminded to be humble enough to accept that sometimes they can do more harm than good. In those situations, doing nothing is the preferred choice.

I could have said something to that mother, but would have had no idea whether it would have made things worse for the child, or caused her to lose confidence as a mother. It is hard enough finding the right words to say to people we know well, to try to influence their behaviour without making them feel small. It is almost impossible to know what words will work with a total stranger. It’s also mightily arrogant to think that a few words from me would somehow change the entire dynamic between the mother and son.

Walking the line

Am I just letting myself off the hook for saying nothing that day? Should a parent be left to do what she wants with her child, or do others in society have some responsibility to all children by ensuring that they are given the love and encouragement their little hearts so dearly need?

There is a fine line between helping and interfering. Sometimes I just don’t know where that line lies.



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Posted by Daphne | November 11, 2008 | in Speak Gently


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4 Responses to “Knowing When Not To Interfere”

  1. linda
    November 11th, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

    Hi Daphne,i look forward to reading your posts!Always so insightful.The incident which you have described reminded me what i saw during the parent-teacher meeting last year with one my pupil’s mother. The boy, was last in class, and when the mum saw his class position, she exclaimed with tears ‘You have really caused me to ‘lose face’, how could you be the last in class?Your gor gor had done so much better than you when he was in sec 1′, While doing that, she hit the boy on his head!All these in the presence of both his form teachers!i was shocked and at that point in time, really did not know what to do!
    Afterwhich,what surprised me was that during a play that we brought the pupils to watch as post exam activity, when asked by one of the actresses “Who do you love most?”, this same boy was picked to answer.Guess who he mentioned?His mother!Upon hearing his answer,we all clapped! His mother would be so touched if she had heard what the son said!”Nature know its work indeed”

  2. Vincent
    November 11th, 2008 @ 11:54 pm

    There are situations that we got into thinking that we are helping but actually we are not. I have a post on how one guy actually help to cut a cocoon and allow the butterfly to come out of it easily but he did not realize that he is actually doing more harm instead. He had caused the butterfly to lose the ability to fly and can only crawl on the floor for the rest of it’s life.

    Sometimes we really need to open our eyes wide to be aware of the situation.

    Vincent
    Personal Development Blogger

    Vincents last blog post..Book Review: How To Win Friends & Influence People By Dale Carnegie

  3. Jocelyn
    November 12th, 2008 @ 8:08 am

    Yeah, I know how you felt. I also saw a child whose mother I think just pinched her nose til it got really red. I wanted to say something, but before I way able to, they have moved on. I don’t know how some mothers can be so rude, maye it was also the way they were treated when they were young. People have lost their sensitivity.

    Jocelyns last blog post..101 Tips in Healing a Broken Heart

  4. Daphne
    November 12th, 2008 @ 11:26 am

    @ Linda, thanks for sharing your experience about the poor humiliated boy. It can be hard to watch this sort of thing happen before your very eyes. And yes, our only assurance is that children are more resilient than we realise. We also probably don’t see the times when the opposite happens and the child is shown love and affection, which must happen for the child to still love its mother.

    @ Vincent, the butterfly analogy is also a good one. Thanks for pointing it out.

    @ Jocelyn, glad you understand how I felt. There is just a fleeting moment when we could have said something, and often the moment passes by and leaves us wondering if we had done the right thing by doing nothing. And often we will never know the answer. Maybe there is no answer.

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