Let Go Of Expectations
The one thing that shatters relationships and ruins friendships more than any other is expectations. When we say that someone is not meeting our ‘needs’, we usually mean that he is not living up to our expectations. True needs are very few, but expectations are limitless.
When a person’s behaviour does not match your expectations, you can try to change their behaviour, or you could let go of your expectations. The first is an exercise in frustration and causes untold damage to relationships. The second is also difficult, but possible and worthwhile. Learn to let go.
1. Identify faulty assumptions
For some reason, when we get close to a person, we start to demand that this person acts in a certain way. We reason that “if you loved me, you would…” This type of reasoning is based on two faulty assumptions:
a. That love can be defined in a certain way
b. That the other person agrees with this definition
Neither assumption is reasonable, and once you accept that your way of thinking is not the only right way, you’ll find it easy to reject the assumption and therefore adjust or even completely drop your expectations.
2. Seek to understand
People show love in different ways, as explained by Gary Chapman in his excellent book “The Five Love Languages”: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and physical touch. Someone else may speak a love language that you do not understand because your love language is different.
When you travel to another country that speaks a different language from yours, the locals may not understand what you are trying to say to them. In the same way, when someone tries to love you in their own way, it is you who may not understand. This does not mean that they are not trying. It is not their actions that you need to change, it is your understanding.
3. Observe carefully
When you stop expecting a certain behaviour from others, you free yourself to see more clearly. You will start to observe what they actually do, instead of constantly seeing the gap between what they do and what you want them to do.
For example, if you expect your child to obey your instructions quietly and he starts to question you, you may get upset because he doesn’t meet your expectation of what a ‘good boy’ is. If you drop this expectation and listen to his questions instead, you may pick up on a specific fear he has which is causing him to resist your instruction. When you see more clearly, you can respond more effectively.
4. Recognise the consequences
You would probably be upset if somebody loved you only when you behaved a certain way. Children who grow up with this kind of conditional love become insecure adults who try too hard to please. Spouses who feel they are not good enough for their partners may seek acceptance in somebody else’s arms.
Relationships are not transactions. If you’re in a relationship because of what you get out of it, it is a transaction. We all have needs that have to met, but it is futile to expect the other person to meet these needs. It is easy to let go of expectations once we accept responsibility to meet our needs ourselves, and are in a relationship not for what we can get but for who we can be.
5. Ask for agreement
If an expectation you have is important because it touches on non-negotiable values or morality, seek to convert that expectation into an agreement. Agreements are not expectations. Expectations exist in your own mind, often without the knowledge of the other person. Agreements are explicit verbal commitments by both parties on a set of acceptable and unacceptable behaviours.
Decide on what is non-negotiable to you. Highlight these to the other person and explain why it is so important. I’ve found that calm discussions work much better in this case than yelling matches. Be very specific about the behaviours you expect and ask if the other party agrees. Be prepared to return the favour. Once both have agreed, honour the groundrules.
If you cannot convert a non-negotiable expectation to an agreement, you’ll have to make a tough choice. You have to decide whether to let go of the expectation or the person. Personally I think that a flesh-and-blood person is almost always more worth holding on to than an expectation that exists only in my mind.
Let go of your expectations. I’m still working on this myself, but the few times I have managed to let go have been truly liberating. With one simple change of thinking, you free two people at one time. The other person is free from having to behave in a certain way, and you are free to love better. Letting go is hard, but definitely worth it.
You can subscribe for free updates by RSS or Email.
36 Responses to “Let Go Of Expectations”
Leave a Reply
Search this Blog
Most Popular Posts
- Let Go of Expectations
- How to Find Happiness That Lasts
- Your 24 Possible Personal Strengths
- 17 Inspiring Examples of Personal Creeds
- Parallel Universes: You May Be Everything You Ever Wanted To Be
- 7 Proven Ways to Live A Happy Life
Recent Posts
- Dealing with Emotions – Dos and Don’ts (Part 2)
- Dealing with Emotions – Dos and Don’ts (Part 1)
- Start Afresh
- Wine and the Taste of Happiness
- Detach from Outcomes
- Gratitude for 2010
- How to Stay Positive
- Joyful Days Awarded as a Top 50 Wellness Guru
- Simplify Your Life With The “One In, One Out” Method
- What Makes People Happy? The Top 10 List
- “I Want To Change My Life!”
- Setting Boundaries
- 206 Reasons To Be Grateful
- Making Peace with Criticism
- When Big Egos Collide
September 24th, 2008 @ 10:42 am
Great post Daphne.
I think it is truly difficult to be in a relationship without expectations – because it usually results in mutual dependence of some sort.
Looking forward to your other posts.
September 25th, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
Catalyst, thanks. I agree it’s hard to let go of expectations. Most of that post was targeted at myself because I needed someone to knock sense into me that day and I figured why not me?
Good to know someone else agrees with the thought process. Enlightenment, here we come! ;)
April 24th, 2009 @ 4:39 pm
[...] Let Go Of Expectations, from Joyful [...]
April 26th, 2009 @ 3:11 am
[...] Let Go Of Expectations | Joyful Days Let Go Of Expectations [...]
July 31st, 2009 @ 9:36 pm
Thank you! My favorite part, because it is so well put is:
“We all have needs that have to met, but it is futile to expect the other person to meet these needs. It is easy to let go of expectations once we accept responsibility to meet our needs ourselves, and are in a relationship not for what we can get but for who we can be.”
August 1st, 2009 @ 4:26 pm
Darla,
Thank you for this lovely comment. I appreciate it very much, especially your letting me know specifically which words appealed to you. I can learn from this!
November 14th, 2009 @ 3:37 am
[...] The single most important step on my journey to happiness was learning to let go of expectations. Expectations – of ourselves and other people – set us up for disappointment, frustration and [...]
January 16th, 2010 @ 4:41 am
I truly find this post to be very helpful. I’ve read it multiple times and used it a little cheat sheet every time I need to have my head whacked up side a bit! :)
Thanks for writing such a beautiful post!
January 16th, 2010 @ 6:19 pm
Ngan,
Thank you for leaving a comment. I’m always gratified when I know my writing helps someone, even just a little. You know, I myself re-read this post quite often, when I need my own head whacked up too!
July 15th, 2010 @ 11:59 am
It’s really a wonderful post!! Thank you Daphne! I found this site while looking for personal creed writing. And this post came in time. I was having a cold war with my husband, as he didnt meet my ‘expectation’. Now I realise: is better to let go my expectation tahn to let go a flesh-and-blood person which is almost always more worth holding on to. I almost ruin my relationship, had I not read this. Thank God, Praise the Lord.
July 15th, 2010 @ 12:22 pm
Dear Ella,
Your comment made my day! I’m so so happy to read that you decided to let go of your expectation, and hold on to your husband and your love for each other. Indeed, thank and praise God!
October 12th, 2010 @ 10:56 am
I think you need to clarify this these words under 5. Ask for an Agreement-Personally I think that a flesh-and-blood person is almost always more worth holding on to than an expectation that exists only in my mind.
I don’t think the person is worthwile holding on to if there is physical and emotional abuse.
Kind regards
Tammy
November 8th, 2010 @ 8:38 am
What a lovely post! Thank you for sharing this.
November 16th, 2010 @ 6:25 pm
Yup! Letting go is indeed something which is very difficult do soometimes! Yet you would be amazed at the results it produce when you finally learn how to let go of certain stuff!
Blessings
December 13th, 2010 @ 4:52 am
My mother isn’t an emotional person. She never calls or e-mails me even though I’ve moved to another country. She’ll never change. I want to let go of my expectations from her but it’s very difficult. I know she loves me but she has difficulty expressing herself due to her upbringing. I’ve tried negotiating with her but she doesn’t get it. Any suggestions?
December 14th, 2010 @ 2:26 pm
Willing to Change,
I’m not sure about your situation, but is it enough that she replies if you initiate the calling and emailing? Sometimes we would like others to express their love for us in a certain way, forgetting that this ‘language’ may be foreign to them, and they can speak to us only in the ways they know how to.
February 2nd, 2011 @ 2:45 pm
What an awesome post, I love it-very spot on. I wasn’t even looking for anything when I ended up here. I have been fighting with my fiance’ a lot lately and I know how to fix-I NEED TO LET GO OF EXPECTATIONS! Thank you…
February 2nd, 2011 @ 5:50 pm
Devonte,
Glad you found the post helpful. All the best with your fiance!
Daphne
April 18th, 2011 @ 10:57 pm
I had to learn at age 52 (soon to be 53)that “expectations” keep me bitter. Yes, we should have some “expectations” – but some things we need to let go off when the other person does not fill them. Now I am teaching my only child, 24, a girl this “secret” in the hopes of saving her wasted years of bitterness. Great subject!
May 11th, 2011 @ 8:27 pm
Dear Angela,
Your daughter is fortunate to have you to show the way. My mother once shared with me that after disappointments in life, “we can become bitter, or we can become better.” I never forgot that, and know that I too am fortunate to have a mother’s wisdom. Thanks for sharing yours here!
Daphne
June 11th, 2011 @ 3:05 am
[...] order to really enjoy the cuisine you’re tasting, you have to learn to let go of your expectations. While eating something composed of pigeon like squab might seem strange to [...]
August 17th, 2011 @ 6:00 am
I found this article to most en-lighting expectations puts not only pressure on the individual but yourself causing negative results for all….
August 18th, 2011 @ 1:23 am
Perfect ! Nicely said bro… ! Keep up the good work!
August 25th, 2011 @ 4:40 pm
Awesome work!!!! I was so frustrated all these days becaouse of expecting things from my best ever friend. This one was thought provoking.
But personally I think that one can live zero expectations. Everyone does expects something from his/her close ones.
September 8th, 2011 @ 3:03 am
[...] often provide a time for expectations, especially in the gift-giving department. If you can let go of the material and remember the spirit of the season (better to give than receive), then you might [...]
September 11th, 2011 @ 1:46 am
I had an unfortunate incident happen with my sister. She called to tell me that she was euthanizing her dog after a 2 month illness. The way she was speaking, I asked a couple of questions to see if I could offer some other choices and she adamantly said no and then cried that I was not supportive of her decision and hung up on me. I was very upset as I had not done anything except try to explore another option. The death of an animal is a highly charged issue for me but I did not verbally judge her decision on the phone. I drove to her house where I was met by her sneering husband telling me that because of me, my sister had been crying ever since we got off the phone, she didn’t want to talk to me and he also asserted that I was unsupportive and then he slammed the door in my face and locked it. Now I was even more flabbergasted. I was going to leave and then I decided I must talk to my sister so I went back to the house and overheard them cursing me..”F— her!” Then my sister came out and proceeded to yell at me that I was not supportive of her decision and she knew she should not have called me. Later she said that if I really loved her, I would have said and done “x”. Unbelievable. I don’t know what to do but this post is maybe something I could incorporate in a letter to her. I paid over $800 toward her vet bills and spent time researching the issue because I wanted to help her and her dog. She and her husband treated me like I had done something heinous.
September 14th, 2011 @ 1:17 pm
Dear Polly,
Sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. It’s tough when you’re trying to help but are not appreciated. Most people react badly when they perceive that we have judged them and are trying to show them a better way. I guess only you will know whether you offered the suggestions out of an initial judgment that what your sister intended to do perhaps wasn’t the best option.
I’ve also found that when I expect others to react a certain way to my suggestions, I’m often disappointed as I too have set up expectations. I hope you’ll be guided by love and wisdom in dealing with your sister.
September 18th, 2011 @ 6:59 am
Good points…thanks for your comments.
October 21st, 2011 @ 2:10 am
Excellent
December 21st, 2011 @ 4:51 pm
Great thoughts!
–
Are you thinking “I feel empty inside“?
February 11th, 2012 @ 2:13 am
Wow, this is absolutely wonderful. I stumbled upon this cause I’m trying to let go of expectations more and more. I did this with my mom and it transformed our relationship! I invite you to read : http://mamasworldview.blogspot.com/2011/06/acceptance-and-understanding.html
March 2nd, 2012 @ 2:25 pm
i usually have a lot of expectations for my birthday since i was a child; but it always so happened that my parents never gave me the celebration i had wished for, at times i even had to force them to celebrate me as i thought that would at least give me some happiness. but as i grew up i had started letting them off from these expectations of mine and then i got into a relationship where i gave in my everything, i love the person with all i have and he loves me too. he tries to express his language of love and i understand it too but it is difficult for him to understand that why my expectations are so important to me and difficult for me to accept that why his language of love is different, n is it different or is it that the love i share with him is still not enough to make me important enough for him to earn me some surprises and happiness on my birthday?. may be there is somewhere or the other my fault in expecting from him to celebrate my birthday in a certain way. we are in a relationship for 4 years now we got chance to celebrate my b’day together only twice and it was always i who took all the decisions of how the day is to go. unfortunately we have celebrated his b’day together only once but i have always tried to make him feel special in his way on each of his birthday later when we have met or over the phone.i also have tried to show him what happiness surprises bring in ones life and that they give us memories for lifetime.i don’t know how much he understood me but…. finally i have decided to let go off it after reading this. actually i have been wanting to do this since long but i was not able to as certain immature people around me always kept insisting on me to not let go, that had made my way difficult. but this piece has soothed my mind and put my soul to solace .
thank u a lot for this
March 2nd, 2012 @ 5:44 pm
Hi Amrita,
Yes it’s painful when we live with unfulfilled expectations, though this is a very natural human condition. Since you have tried getting your expectations fulfilled with less success than you wish, I hope that letting go of the expectations will bring you more peace and happiness.
Thank you for sharing, and take heart that this is an ongoing learning process. Even today, I have to remind myself whenever I find my expectations up, and try to remember that others are not obliged to live up to those expectations that I unilaterally created.
All the best to you!
daphne
April 19th, 2012 @ 6:08 pm
An interesting post Daphne and something that I’ve grappled with for a long time. I’ve learnt not to have expectations from acquaintances, but I really struggle to see how you cannot have expectations from close friends. If you cannot – then what is the point of the friendship and what binds it together? If you’re going through a crisis – is it valid to expect a close friend to give you as much support and understanding as they can? If they don’t – whose fault is it? Yourself for allowing you to have expectations, or the friend for failing?
April 29th, 2012 @ 10:32 pm
I am trying to let go of my expectations of people and I have people around me who tell me to fight for my rights etc. I was getting very upset because of these conflicting thoughts. I stumbled upon your blog. It really helped me :) Thank you.
May 17th, 2012 @ 5:08 am
I was almost about to break up with my boyfriend becoz of unfulfild ‘expectations’. . .thanks to lord nd one of my facebook friend who shared dis blog. .i cud reevaluate myself and my expectations