Listen

Sometimes the simplest things can be the hardest to do. Like listening. I’m not sure if this is true of everyone, but I suspect it’s true of most people. When we listen, we aren’t actually hearing what the other person is saying. We’re too busy forming an opinion or drafting a response in our mind and therefore listening to our own thoughts instead of focusing on what the other person is saying.

Contempt
photo credit: Jsome1

Can you think of anyone who listens to you in a way that makes you feel truly heard? You come away feeling relieved, understood, stronger. And this person often didn’t even say very much.

I think the secret is that a good listener empties herself enough to make space for all the words you need to say. By being a receptacle for your thoughts, she allows you to unload your burden into that space, where you know it will be lovingly held.

Good listening then, can be achieved by not doing rather than doing. How do we empty our minds enough to listen well?

1. Do not judge

We are amazingly quick to jump to conclusions and form opinions. Any time you find yourself thinking a thought that was not provided by the speaker, you are judging. You have introduced your own thinking into the situation.

2. Do not prepare a response

The brain can only focus on one thing at a time. Once you start thinking about what you are going to say, you cannot effectively hear what the person is still saying. This means that whatever response you give is based on incomplete information and therefore not sound.

3. Do not interrupt

Sometimes we are so eager to offer our opinions or recommendations that we interrupt the speaker. This is especially true of impatient people like myself. It can be agonising to let the other person go on and on when you are convinced that a few words from you will solve her problem.

4. Do not recommend solutions

Usually when a person needs a listening ear, she is already confused and needs to sort out her thoughts. Whatever course of action you recommend will create ‘noise’ in her contemplations, combining with the noise she may be getting from other friends.

A good listener seldom offers solutions, even when asked. The person needs to work things out herself. Talking is her way of distilling her thoughts, to see what is left at the end. Your advice will only introduce clutter back into the mind she is trying to clear.

Are you listening?

It is challenging to empty your mind of all the above in order to listen well, especially if you have a quick and active mind. I only recently learnt to listen a little better, and realised the difference between poor listening, just listening, and truly listening.

When listening poorly, you hear a fraction of what the other person is saying. When listening well, you hear almost 100% of what she said. And truly listening with the heart means that you hear more than 100%. You discerned thoughts and emotions that the person did not express, and are therefore able to respond to the whole person and not merely what she was capable of expressing in words.

I have been blessed with having good listeners in my life, for whom I am ever so grateful. I hope that someday I will be able to pay it forward.



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Posted by Daphne | September 29, 2008 | in Speak Gently


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