Love Like It’s Never Going To Hurt

When we’ve been badly hurt before, especially in a relationship, the last thing we want is to be hurt again. So we love less, put our guard up, play safe. By doing this we make ourselves harder to love, people respond less to us, and we experience less love in our life. This is the complete opposite of what we really want. How do we break this vicious cycle? There are three basic stages.

photo credit: adria.richards

1. Let the hurt heal

If you got a painful blister from a new shoe, would you wait for it to heal before wearing that shoe again? Most of us would. We would wear other shoes that didn’t stress that area, so that the wound can heal. And even if we had to continue wearing the shoe for some reason, we would put a band-aid on it, right?

In the same way, if you’ve been deeply hurt by a person or a situation, take a break from it if you possibly can. Walk away from the relationship if necessary. This is my personal preference though I don’t recommend it for everybody everytime. Take time to heal. Depending on your personality and the circumstances, this could take anywhere between 24 hours and 24 months.

If you cannot leave the person or situation, the emotional equivalent of a band-aid is self-talk. If the hurt comes from a verbally abusive partner for example, you have to keep telling yourself something like “Whatever he says is in his own mind, it is not the truth and it does not describe me.” If someone you love left you, “It’s his loss, and now I’m free to find someone better.”

Such self-talk will protect the wound enough for it to heal. And just as you would leave the band-aid on as long as the wound was raw, you need to keep up your affirming self-talk as long as the hurt remains.

2. Know your worth

You are worth more than you realise. God (or the Universe, if you are not religious) does not make mistakes, and he made you. Exactly as you are. If you don’t believe in God then you’d better find something else to believe in that will reveal to you who and what you are. A good belief system reinforces your worth. Search till you find that faith.

Talk to friends. Go through letters and cards people have sent you over the years. Pray. Take walks in the park. Exercise. Do anything that helps you feel better about yourself. Most importantly, find somebody who believes in you and spend time with that person. We all need borrowed belief sometimes.

It takes time to feel good about yourself again, and you just have to be patient. I went running everyday after a painful break-up. I knew that I was running to forget, to kill time, and to tire myself out so I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep every night. This went on for a few months. One day as I was running, I realised that I wasn’t running to forget another person anymore. I was running for me and no one else.

The same realisation will come to you. Just keep going, building yourself up, and one day you’ll wake up and the sun will be out again. You’ll be glad you are you, and you know that you have much to offer the world. When you can look in the mirror and spontaneously smile at yourself, and like what you see, you are ready for the next stage.

3. Love more than ever

When I was learning in-line skating, I would often lose my balance. My instinct was to pull back and slow down to avoid falling. This resulted in many bruises on my backside as I would inevitably fall backward. I was told that when I lost balance, I needed to lean forward instead. This was counter-intuitive and took many tries before I realised that this indeed prevented me from falling.

Drivers will know that the same applies to skidding. Instead of turning the wheel away from the direction of skid, you need to turn it in the same direction. It may feel like suicide, but it is the way to let the tyres grip the road and right the car again.

You have to do the same in love. Your instinct is to pull back, slow down, turn away. Yet this will worsen the situation. You have to lean forward instead, and love even more. In a way it’s easy. When you have survived once, you know you can survive again. This knowledge gives you confidence to give it your all.

Will you be hurt again? Of course. It’s a given. You cannot walk in the sun without suffering some UV damage. You cannot swim without getting wet. You cannot even breathe without free radicals causing oxidative stress causing cellular degeneration in your body. Accept all this as part of life, and your fear will slowly disappear.

You may be hurt a few more times in your life. Yet if you live in fear of getting hurt, then you will experience that hurt many many times, all in your very own brain. Imagined pain can be as bad or worse than the actual thing. So don’t be a hypochondriac when it comes to loving.

A baby falls many times before it finally walks. Yet it keeps trying harder, and getting better. This is because it doesn’t focus on the falling, but on the walking. You may have forgotten this natural process now that you’re an adult. Don’t focus on the hurt. Focus on the loving, and you will have a joy-filled life.

This is Part 4 of the series:

Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
Dream Like You Will Live Forever
Live Like You’ll Die Tomorrow
Love Like It’s Never Going To Hurt

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7 Responses to “Love Like It’s Never Going To Hurt”

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• Comments by Readers

• Beaulotus: Hi Daphne, it’s precisely that – that they didn’t have anything better to do with their time and lives. Those few mums...
• Beaulotus: Daphne, it was interesting reading this wonderful post. As you may know, I socialise alot in our expat community and we have mothers...
• Paul Maurice Martin: “Declining to play” has been an important one for me – I think of it as letting go of the egoism of others....
• Self Improvement Minded: “Keep the company of the wise” that’s how we always said 4 when I was young.
• Lana-{Daring Clarity}: Those were great points Daphne, thank you. And I so loved how you started that the reason you “keep blogging is that...
• nudgeme: Great pointers on maintaining personal integrity Daphne, and always lovely to log on and see a post from you! Identifying your...
• Self-esteem Building: I agree that our thinking gives positive or negative meaning to a certain event, person etc. Nature is neutral. It’s...
• Hilary: Hi Daphne .. good points .. adopt a hero – yourself – ensure you smile, be kind, be open, be friendly .. Draw the boundaries is...
• J.D. Meier: Beautiful distillations … heroes, boundaries, and buddies are the way to go. It takes less energy to be yourself than be somebody...
• Lance: Hi Daphne, Number 4 is an important one for me. It’s so easy for other people’s attitudes to filter over into our own –...
• Mazhar Nawaz: Dear Daphne enjoyed reading every word. I appreciate your honest views on Live Like You’ll Die Tomorrow.
• Walter: Yes, I believe with what you have written here. In fact, I’m applying most of them into my life. There are lot of ways to be happy,...
• Lindsey Petersen: I am a die hard optimist who leads a happy life even when I should be sad…an anomaly, I guess! Lindsey Petersen...
• Hilda: Hi Daphne, I’ve read ALOT on the subject of happiness over the years, and have transformed myself from a miserable pessimist to a...
• macy_c: I used to trust my instinct a bit more, but overtime, self doubt and life in general erode the trust. I just wrote an account of when I...
• Evelyn Lim: I have found more meaning in my life when I started contributing my assistance and service to others. In the process, I become happier...
• James Gray: When you say that good and bad aren’t “out there,” it isn’t clear what that means. I don’t know if anyone...
• nudgeme: Hi Daphne Lovely to see a post on Joyful days in my Google Reader this morning – and such an uplifting one at that! I concur with...
• vered - blogger for hire: “Which is partly why I’m blogging less now – I have a happy life to keep me occupied!” This is great. You...
• Tess The Bold Life: I can attest that they all work. I’ve even been quite happy in the middle even though I’m sliding out of that...