Praise, Not Perfect

When I first got my dog, I read a lot of books on effective dog training. They all said the same thing: Praise the behaviour you want, and pay no attention to the behaviour you don’t want. It’s interesting that when it comes to how we treat other people, we often do the exact opposite. We criticise behaviour that we dislike in an attempt to perfect the other person, and forget to praise the things they are already doing well.

1. Bite your tongue

I have a friend who said that she saved her marriage just by learning to bite her tongue. Every time she felt like criticising her husband, she literally chomped down on her tongue as the words were coming out of her mouth, so she ended up saying something that sounded like “Ernh”. She probably ended up with a sore tongue, which is better than a painful divorce.

Once said, words are out of our control. Wish as we might, we cannot remove them from the other person’s hearing or memory. Left unsaid, there is still time to make the point later, when we are calmer and can phrase our thoughts more kindly and speak gently while still getting our point across.

2. Edit criticisms

A good general rule of thumb is to draft our short speech in our minds before delivering it with our tongues. This is what it means to think before you speak. It works much better than speaking first and then lying awake at night recalling our outburst and wishing we could have said it differently.

I used to say a lot of hurtful things because I just vented my feelings in a need to get things off my chest, without stopping to think about the impact on the other person. When I started writing it down before blurting it out, I could see how awful the words looked on paper, and had time to edit my little speech. The results were obviously much better.

3. Write it down

Several times after writing what I wanted to say to another person in my journal and editing it several times, I didn’t feel the need to actually say it any more. The mere act of writing what I needed to say was therapeutic and I no longer needed the healing that we usually seek in confronting the other person in an effort to resolve the issue.

Writing your feelings in a journal also allows you to re-visit it days or weeks later, to see if the underlying issue is a valid one. Usually we realise in hindsight that the things that bother us are the little things, and over time we’ll learn to let go and get over it instead of trying to perfect other people.

4. Praise, praise, praise

Almost everyone is starving for praise, since most people get little of it in their everyday lives. You can almost never praise someone too much. In fact, children and some adults with low self-esteem need to hear the same encouraging words many times before they actually believe it. Once a person feels good because a certain behaviour of hers is praised, you can be sure that she will behave that way more often.

Praise the specific behaviour you want to encourage. Instead of saying just “Thank you”, try “When you picked up the parcel for me at the post office, I used the time you saved me going there myself to spend time on the phone with my mum. She really needed to talk about something and I felt so glad that I was there for her. Your favour means more to me than you realise.” If you can make it a habit to acknowledge and praise in this way, people will be falling over themselves to do you favours!

5. Raise your self-esteem

If you have a healthy self-esteem, you will have no problems giving and accepting praise. Insecure people have more problems with accepting praise, often deflecting it or playing it down because they don’t feel they really deserve it. And they find it practically impossible to praise others because you cannot give what you do not have.

An easy way to build up self-esteem is to learn to accept praise. Say “thank you” the next time you are praised, and nothing else. There is no need to explain that it wasn’t really a big deal, or that you didn’t do it all yourself. Just “Thank you!” with a big smile. This makes the other person feel good about praising you, instead of getting his praise thrown back in his face by your denial of its worth. When you have collected enough praise in your heart, you’ll naturally go out there and praise others.

Praise, not perfect. What a simple, wonderful motto to live by!



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Posted by Daphne | September 21, 2008 | in Speak Gently


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