Your honesty about your feelings is a great first step to healing. And you WILL heal, with time. Especially with this wonderful attitude you have about reaching out to others, reading and learning and helping yourself.

Deepak Chopra’s words about not ignoring your feelings is wise. You may want to consider a time lag here though. Let me share with you my personal experience: I’m usually not ready to confront my feelings until weeks or months later. During the early phases of a break-up, I try very hard NOT to think about it. I go running everyday to tire myself out, and sleep early from the fatigue so I don’t cry into my pillow every night. Oh, and I drink lots of water to replace all that moisture lost in sweat and tears! Only when all the negative energy has left me am I ready to face, and finally “own”, my emotions. Trying to deal with it all at once may be overwhelming, discouraging, or depressing. So don’t be so hard on yourself and demand that you recover quickly. This is a time to love and be patient with yourself. Do whatever heals you and brings calm, whether it’s exercise, music, walks in the park…

You made an intriguing statement that you can make analytical sense of what’s going on, yet the hurt is still there. Our hearts (or souls) have a rhythm of their own, and we would do well to honour life’s own rhythm, instead of trying to make our souls march to the beat of our mental drum. Understand that time is our friend, and submit to the process instead of trying to hurry it along and bend things to our will. Does this make any sense to you? Feel free to ignore it if not ;)

As for judging ourselves, boy do I know what that’s like. I loved your imagery that it’s a touch climb but you’re already wearing your climbing boots! I’ve found that when we stop judging ourselves, when we stop judging others, when we stop judging in general, it’s so much easier to love and be happy.

I just re-read a book called Conversations with God, Book 1. While not everybody can accept the premise of the book (that the author had an actual conversation with God), I personally was very healed and restored by it, especially on the subject of relationships. Here’s a quote: “there are things you can do when you react with pain and hurt to what another is being, saying or doing. The first is to admit honestly to yourself and to another exactly how you are feeling… There is only one thing you can do. You must honor your feelings. For honoring your feelings is honoring your Self.” Mark, this you are already doing by being so candid in your comments here, so you’re on the right track. You may want to read the book – it’s incredibly liberating.

No reply is too long for me. I’m very honoured that you trust me enough to share so much of yourself here during this difficult time. It’s also gratifying to know that what I write can actually help people. I’m able to write all this, of course, only because I’ve been through the same pain myself. We all pay it forward, don’t we? So I’m glad I can be here for you now, just as some day you will be there for someone going through the same thing…

Thanks for the reply. …. to my reply ….

What has happened has kicked off an awful bout of depression. Maybe this is no surprise. So I am trying to deal with that as well as the loss of the relationship. It’s difficult…

I’ve read Deepak Chopra “The Path to Love” and that has helped a little. Every now and then I would read something and think: “He is talking directly to me.” It was uncanny. One idea I picked up from his book is echoed in what you say. I think it comes down to: We are all love. Made of love, born to love, here to give love and feel love.

I put a lot into the relationship (such as it was – mainly one sided) and felt that it should have been returned. I understand now (I think) that it didn’t have to be. I understand, but it is hard to “own.” Does that make any sense? The analytical part of me can understand. The spirit (or is it Spirit?) part of me can’t understand. It just hurts.

The hurt is probably caused by ego, which I am beginning to believe is not a good force. Not to say that is or isn’t – I’m still learning. But I understand that ego can exert itself through hurt – so I suppose that is what is going on.

To get back to love: Where you say “Love is not wrong, it never is,” it just shot through me. Everything you said after that seems so true. This is what I need to learn … somehow.

Letting go and not judging myself were also things you talked about which really struck home. So I’m glad you said all that. You get stuck in a cycle sometimes and it takes someone outside to encourage things in a different direction. So: I’m trying to let go, okay? It may not happen at first, but I will work on it.

And I already feel, to some extent, that I did nothing wrong. The love I felt was an honest feeling (still is, if I am truthful ….) and it was offered as such. I guess I’m glad I did it.

So I need to stop judging myself negatively. That already seems to be such a mountain to climb. ….. but I’ll look for my boots :) I also need to try and stop judging a relationship to be right or wrong. It is there to teach me something. Yet to remember that relationship seems so difficult. I spend most of my time trying to forget it – as if that will heal me. Deepak says (I think) that what caused the pain will only come back worse if all I do is ignore it. So, ok, I’ll try to be open to what there is to learn. And the last thing – focussing on love – I think I can do that now sort of. I do feel full of love. I feel like I can love and be loved. So that seems like a start. But it also feels so exposed – so unprotected, I guess.

In addition I have to do some work on depression. I have been reading a lot of the Metaphysical Junkie’s blog and trying to get some system together from that. She has discussed her struggle with depression and a lot of that rings true with me. It’s just that when you get to such a low point it is hard believe that anything you do will work. It’s more like going through the motions.

Maybe first I need to manage this sense of anxiety, fear and loneliness I feel. It’s exhausting sometimes ….

I hope this reply isn’t too long. I don’t know if there is any special etiquette to blog replies. But thanks for talking. I’ve registered to receive your future posts and, as I have time, I’ll go over your older posts. Can you recommend any books I should look at? I’m thinking I should start A Course in Miracles and maybe Osho’s The Book of Secrets.

Thanks for being there….

I thought about your comment for some time. Thank you first of all for leaving a comment and sharing your personal experience. Readers like yourself, who are not bloggers yet take the time to comment, mean a lot to me.

It certainly IS very difficult to lose a relationship. Letting go still doesn’t come easily for me, ever after so much practice! Yet we make it more difficult on ourselves by judging things as ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, which I notice you are doing in your comment. Sometimes we magnify the emotional pain of letting go by adding the mental pain of judging ourselves negatively. “What did I do wrong? Could I have saved the relationship by acting differently? What if….?” It’s this kind of thinking that tortures us, more than the actual emotional pain.

I also know what you mean about making it harder to try again. We’re so afraid of being hurt again that we hold back next time. When we feel love again, we tell ourselves to “be careful” and “go slow” and all that false advice that causes us to experience less joy than we could, and to be a lesser person than we are. I’ve been through all that too, and still struggle with it sometimes.

Can you accept that there is no right and wrong in a relationship? That everything that happened is good, and that one day we will understand the reason and purpose for both the relationship and it’s end? Do you feel it is possible to love without expectation and commitment? Yes perhaps one day you were committed and the next day it’s over – yet the love hasn’t changed. What has changed is our expectations, our vision of the future – and it is this that we refuse to let go off. If you focus on the love, you will find that it’s still there. Love is not wrong, it never is. If you can learn to be grateful for the chance to experience the love, without demanding that this feeling remain forever, and remain unchanged forever at that, then you can start to be happy and be grateful for relationships even if they don’t last.

Gosh, this was a long reply to your comment. I do feel so much for you, and really believe that you can be so much happier just by changing your perspective a little. Do think about what I’ve shared if it helps. If not, you can still look into your own soul and ask yourself what this all means. The answers are all there – you just have to look.

You know, one day the sun will come out again for you, Mark. It really will.