Seek First To Understand

It is human nature to want to be understood. Our thoughts, desires, and needs are so important to us that we want them to be important to others too. Yet understanding requires both the thing to be understood, and a mind to do the understanding. Nothing will be understood until someone makes the effort to understand.

Everybody is surrounded by many question marks!!!
Creative Commons License photo credit: ePi.Longo

People who feel understood are more likely to relax and do their part to understand others, so it is a virtuous circle. Our efforts to understand will eventually return to us, and in the end everybody feels heard.

The question is, who will start this circle and what does it take to seek to understand?

1. Humility

Humility is the beginning of knowledge, yet the more we know, the harder it can to be humble. Adults tend to assume we know more than children. Experts think they know more than lay people. Teachers are expected to know more than their students.

The first step in humility is to admit that you don’t have all the answers. No matter how much you know, you cannot know everything. And if you don’t know everything, then there is always a possibility that the other party knows something you don’t.

True humility does not require you to put yourself down or to think you are less than you are. It just means that you are aware of your place in the world. And your place in the world, whether physical or mental, is just a small space compared to the vastness of the universe.

2. Step outside your own world

Our egos keep us pretty busy thinking about ourselves in our own little worlds, so it will take some effort to step outside it now and then. Today I found myself asking, how much do I know about Deepavali or Diwali, the Festival of Lights that’s being celebrated by millions all over the world today? The answer was, very little.

If everybody took the trouble to understand a little about other religions, other countries, other cultures, and other people, we may finally hope to achieve peace in the world, and joy in our personal relationships. So often we punish others for being “not like us” instead of trying to understand who they really are.

It’s funny how we spend billions of tourism dollars travelling around the world, yet spend so little time travelling into other minds. You may pass a geography test with flying colours, yet be totally in the dark about the deepest desires of your loved ones.

3. Understand that others are not us

Sometimes we assume that just because we like a person, that they must then be like us. Just because we have a few things in common, we feel that we therefore understand how they think and feel – just like us, of course! Nothing could be further from the truth.

Often when a friend is describing a tough time at work or a difficult relationship, we say very quickly “I know how you feel.” This almost always invokes an unspoken reaction in the other person along the lines of “But you can’t possibly know. You are not me!”

Every person thinks between 12,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day, according to scientific studies. It is a challenge getting to know yourself, let alone someone else. If you haven’t learnt something new about someone close to you in the past month, you probably aren’t seeking to understand enough.

4. Listen with full attention

We often listen through personal filters. One of those filters is judgment – when the other person says something, we quickly pass sentence on whether that is a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ way to think. Another filter is response – we are listening merely to draft a response in our minds, and sometimes even interrupt the other person so that we can bestow the wisdom of our response on them.

To really listen is harder than it seems. It requires an empty mind, suspension of judgment, focused attention, and contemplation of what we’ve heard. Only then do we have a hope of truly understanding.

It might be worth noting that you may not even be listening to yourself properly. The same filters of judgment and response need to be removed when you’re trying to understand yourself. If you have an active mind, you probably have new thoughts all the time, and these need to be heard too, if you want to understand yourself better.

5. Leave blank spaces in your mind

If you wanted to move new furniture into your home, you’d probably move some old stuff out to create room. Perhaps it would help to identify some thoughts you have held onto for a while, and ask if it is time to get rid of those so that new thoughts can take their place.

Challenge your assumptions, defend the opposite view, adopt an alternative approach, push your mental limits. You can always revert to your old way of thinking later if you reject the new thought, but at least give it a chance.

Pick a person, a religion, a culture, or anything that you want to understand better and start making an effort today. I will too.



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Posted by Daphne | October 27, 2008 | in Speak Gently


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6 Responses to “Seek First To Understand”

  1. Vincent
    October 28th, 2008 @ 1:17 pm

    On point number 2. When we step outside of our world, we tend to learn new stuff and witness things that we may never witness before. Definitely a great attribute to have. Another great post by Daphne.

    Cheers
    Vincent
    Personal Development Blogger

    Vincents last blog post..Are You Reading Enough?

  2. Daphne Lim
    October 28th, 2008 @ 2:32 pm

    Thanks Vincent. Good point about witnessing and learning new things. Sometimes it’s just too comfortable in our own comfort zone, but there’s not much growing there. Thanks for the comment!

    Daphne

  3. East Meets West
    November 3rd, 2008 @ 2:35 am

    When I was at school, my teacher spent time teaching us the importance of being able to look at things from different viewpoints – even from those that we do not share in.

    Often, when I’m in a discussion and the argument tends to be lopsided, I may unconsciously start to argue for the other side – even if I may not agree with it. I get the reputation for being a pain. Sometimes I should really just listen and shut up.

    And I need to control my tongue and not blurt out whatever I’m thinking.

    All that’s easier said than done.

    East Meets Wests last blog post..Lamb Korma

  4. Daphne
    November 3rd, 2008 @ 10:45 am

    Hi EMW, you had a good teacher! I know what you mean, I used to love a good argument myself, and sometimes still indulge. But in general you’re right that the consequences are much better when I shut up, listen, and control my tongue. Keeping quiet can be really difficult though!

  5. Ahilan
    November 10th, 2008 @ 3:56 pm

    Good stuff. Nice tips. I must admit myself to put them in reality and experience the outcome…

  6. Daphne
    November 10th, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

    Hi Ahilan, thanks for dropping by and leaving a commment. Let me know if you experience a positive outcome. I find that it’s a work in progress for me, but that the more I try the easier it gets over time. All the best!

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