Speak Gently

Do you actually hear how you talk to yourself and others? Most of us would cringe if we recorded and listened to our conversations. Apart from the obvious embarrassment, the most common reaction is “Oh my goodness, do I really sound like that?”

Speaking gently involves using gentle words and a gentle tone. It means speaking gently to others, and perhaps more importantly, to yourself.

1. Speak gently to yourself

This is tricky to work on, simply because there is no third-party feedback to help you. What you say to yourself is not even verbalized, since it takes place silently in your head. Many people beat themselves up verbally without realising it. We blame ourselves for the failure of a relationship, we tell ourselves we can’t succeed and so on.

Journalling is a good way to start listening to yourself. Write whatever comes to mind and after a few months you may notice a pattern. In hindsight, I realised that my old patterns included phrases like “This is too good to last”. This made me sabotage my romantic relationships because I was always expecting things to end and of course they did, because expectations tend to be self-fulfilling.

2. Affirmations

Affirmations are a good way to learn to speak to ourselves both gently and effectively. Instead of telling ourselves “I have bad skin and nobody will be attracted to me” you could write down and say to yourself everyday “I have a great smile and people are drawn to my cheerful attitude”. Either way, you will be right because your thoughts create your reality, so you may as well choose the reality you want.

Writing down affirmations is important because this positive self-talk seldom comes naturally to us, unless you were fortunate enough to have extremely affirming parents and this is your thinking pattern from a young age. Since it is not natural, we need to decide what we want to think, write it down, then read it everyday.

3. Speak gently to others

When you are kind to yourself, it is easy and natural to be kind to others. We tend to be quick to criticise others when they make a mistake, but often omit to point out when they are doing something right. It only takes a minute each day to tell somebody who crosses your path what you appreciate about them.

Often we feel the need to criticise others “for their own good”. Criticism seldom improves a person, but makes them defensive and resistant instead. Usually we justify criticism of others that way, when the truth is that we are irritated inside and just need to vent our negative thoughts. Don’t. The only time to offer feedback is when someone asks for it. And even then, be kind.

4. Give a compliment everyday

Our conditioning has trained us to focus on things that go wrong. We are quick to point out mistakes made by our spouses, children, friends and colleagues.You can balance this negative tendency by deliberately finding someone to compliment everyday.

Remind yourself to say something nice to someone the moment you arrive at work, or before going for lunch, or before you head home for the day, or when you step into your home. Or do it at all four times of the day! That should change you and your immediate little world unbelievably in the space of a year.

Go for it. Ignore the awkwardness and dump the excuses. Of course you can do it. Remember how you wanted to change the world when you were little? Well, you can. Simply by often speaking gently to whoever happens to cross your path. Be a force for good.

This is Part 2 of the series:

Think Deeply
Speak Gently
Love Much
Laugh A Lot
Work Hard
Give Freely
Be Kind



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Posted by Daphne | August 26, 2008 | in Speak Gently


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6 Responses to “Speak Gently”

  1. CG Walters
    January 20th, 2009 @ 6:38 pm

    A beautiful quote by Sai Baba sums my considerations for speaking (to self and others)up:

    Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?

    Blessings, Daphne,
    CG

  2. Daphne
    January 21st, 2009 @ 7:57 am

    Hi CG,

    I love the quote, and will remind myself often before I speak: “does it improve the silence”? I might even ask myself that before writing a post! Thank you for this very wise comment.

  3. Henie
    January 22nd, 2009 @ 11:53 am

    Daphne,

    I so enjoy visiting! There is so much to learn and absorb but most of all, when I am here on your site, it helps me focus on myself and reminds me to be kind to myself and others.

    Thank you for your wisdom :0)

  4. Daphne
    January 22nd, 2009 @ 2:33 pm

    Henie,

    I so enjoy having you here! As much as I enjoy visiting your beautiful blog. Your comments are so positive – I’m sure they come from a kind person. I can’t believe you need reminding! I’m glad you find this site useful though. Thank you for your uplifting presence here.

  5. Liara Covert
    January 23rd, 2009 @ 10:54 am

    Your post reminded me of a precious poem by Welsh poet Dylan Thomas:

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

  6. Daphne
    January 23rd, 2009 @ 2:56 pm

    Hi Liara,

    I love this poem, thanks for posting it here. I must confess I’m not sure what made you think of this poem. Was it the word ‘gentle’? Yes, sometimes we must not go gently, but fight for what is important to us. I wonder if it is possible to fight gently… I was glad to be reminded of this by the poem. Thank you again for taking the trouble to post it. It is beautiful.

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