Why Are We So Attached To Desired Outcomes?

Don’t you just hate it when things don’t turn out the way you planned? Like the stockmarket heading south when it’s supposed to double your investment over the next five years. Or airport problems causing a major delay in your travel plans. Or a date cancelling at the last minute because of work.

The ideal “I” would accept all this with equanimity, smiling serenely with the wisdom of the ages, understanding that life refuses to follow our individual scripts but flows where it will. The real “I”, the one I have to live with, reacts very differently.

photo credit: Evil Erin

Why we get attached to outcomes

1. Need for structure

Some people just need more structure in their lives than others. You like things to happen at scheduled times, and to happen exactly the way you planned. When this script is not followed, you feel like things are getting out of your control, and you don’t know what to do. In order to regain the feeling of control, you try to force others to behave as you desire.

2. Illusion of possession

We are sometimes lulled by complacency and routine into thinking that we own our lives and partially own the lives of people close to us. And what we own, we feel entitled to order around as we wish. So we start giving orders to others and to life itself.

3. Self-talk

Try monitoring your self-talk for a day and count how many times the words “should”, “ought” and “must” come into play. Once you talk to yourself that way, you are programming your mind into a certain ideal scenario, forgetting that other people have not bought into the specific outcome that you have decided is the only acceptable one.

4. Domino planning

You could be one of those that tries to pack too much into a day. This means that if a friend is late for lunch and lunch runs over the time you allocated for it, you’ll be late for the rest of the day’s appointments. When schedules are too tight, it only takes one event going wrong to have a knock-on effect on all the rest.

Deal with the root cause

Instead of trying to control outcomes and blaming circumstances for our frustration, identify which of the above is causing your attachment to certain outcomes. Then try one or more of the corresponding coping mechanisms:

1. Build unstructured moments into your life

If you are the type who cannot tolerate the chaos of an unplanned life, try to build just half an hour a day into your routine as an open slot where you’ll allow anything to happen. This allows you to retain control, yet gets you used to letting things just happen during this planned slot. You can eventually extend the half hour into longer periods, and will find it easier over time to not have to plan every single outcome.

2. Start a gratitude journal

By writing down five things you are grateful for everyday, you remind yourself that all these blessings are a gift. Life does not owe us anything, not does it belong to us. Sometimes we just need a gentle daily reminder of this fact, and nothing does it better than keeping a gratitude journal.

3. Monitor your self-talk

You may need to start by journalling everyday, since what you write is most likely what you’ve been thinking about all day without always consciously realising it. Once you are used to identifying your own thoughts, you’ll be able to do this without having to write it down. When listening to yourself think becomes a habit, it’s easier to substitute thoughts you don’t want, like “she should be on time”, to thoughts you do want, like “great, 15 minutes to catch up on my reading while I wait.”

4. Schedule buffers

When you schedule appointments on the assumption that things will start and end on time, and traffic will co-operate when you’re rushing from one place to the next, you’re setting yourself up for trouble. A simple half hour or even 15 minute buffer slot between appointments will have you breathing easier all day. Plus, you’ll probably get more done because you’re calmer and able to think better all day long.

Go with the flow

photo credit: David Reber

An Ex used the phrase “go with the flow” a lot, which used to drive me crazy. (Hello Ex! If you’re reading this, be happy that I remembered you and can finally admit that you are wiser than me!)

In retrospect, this is a pretty good way to live. And probably more natural. Only man-made highways ever move in a straight, orderly fashion. Nature’s way is seldom straight. Rivers meander, demanding nothing of the land, but instead adjust soundlessly and tranquilly.

In fact, next time something doesn’t go my way, I shall remind myself of these two traits: be soundless instead of grumbling and complaining, and be tranquil enough to smile at life’s gentle and wise refusal to follow my script.

Posted by Daphne | December 9, 2008 | in Think Deeply

4 Responses to “Why Are We So Attached To Desired Outcomes?”

Kim
March 2nd, 2009 @ 9:23 am
Hey, with posts like this I could save a fortune on therapist bills!!

You know, the funny thing I found with those people who kept on telling me to “go with the flow”, it was only applicable when you wanted something they didn’t. It didn’t apply when they wanted something.
Daphne
March 2nd, 2009 @ 2:39 pm
Hey Kim, if you think reading such posts are therapeutic, you should try writing them! I’m not sure if counselling myself makes me sane or insane :)

Ah yes, “going with the flow” usually means “going with MY flow”. I’m glad you know how I feel on the receiving end!
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March 15th, 2009 @ 12:16 am
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Therapeutic Counselling
May 15th, 2009 @ 7:40 am
Great info, i appreciate your Why Are We So Attached To Desired Outcomes? | Joyful Days blog and your way of writing and knowledge sharing.