Write It Down Before You Blurt It Out

closingHow many times have you said something that you later wish you hadn’t? I often have.

The spoken word has power to heal or to hurt, and we so often use it for the latter. Words once spoken can live in the hearer’s memory forever. What we say plants seeds that determine the course of future events.

Creative Commons License photo credit: qwrrty

1. Bite your tongue

When we are hurt or angry, our natural impulse is to strike back. This often takes the form of angry words in self-defense, or accusing words pointing out that the person criticising us is not so perfect either. This reaction is motivated by the need to preserve our ego, and seldom does any good to the other person or to ourselves.

2. Remove yourself from the situation

This is the equivalent of counting to ten before saying anything, just going further. Some of us could count to a hundred and still feel angry. The best thing to do is walk away from the person we are angry with. If you have a strong and aggressive personality, walking away could be very difficult since you are inclined to action rather than non-action. Especially if you’re like that, walk away.

3. Find a quiet place

A quiet place need not be quiet as measured by decibels. It’s just somewhere you can be alone without interruption. I find a crowded cafe very quiet for me because everyone else is minding their own business and I can sit with a cup of coffee and tend to my thoughts in peace.

4. Write in a journal

I’m a big advocate of journalling as a means of processing feelings. Just the mere act of writing longhand in a proper journal with a fountain pen is very therapeutic, let alone the healing that it brings. You may prefer scribbling on a piece of paper, or typing on your computer. Write down your feelings as accurately as you can. ‘Angry’ is often a catch-all phrase for much more specific emotions. Clarify whether you are feeling wronged or humiliated, neglected or ignored, slighted or left out.

5. Read what you’ve just written

You become more objective when reading your own words, as if you were a neutral observer. Very often you’ll read what you’ve just written and think “wow, I sound really mad” or “that’s a very sad person writing this”. This puts some distance between you and yourself, if it makes any sense. This distance makes you more detached and able to handle the situation more calmly.

6. Understand that the other person is not you

If the other person were to journal her feelings right now, they would be different from yours. Understand that people have different personalities, and we think and behave in ways which may be completely different from another. Often we get angry or hurt when no offence was meant. The other person is blundering through life, just as you are, and making mistakes which sometimes hurt you without intending to.

7. List down your options

Write down your intended response to what had just happened, and think of at least four more alternative responses. If one option is to confront the person, write down exactly what words you’re going to say to that person. Be as specific as possible and imagine yourself going through the motions. Rehearse all the options in your mind.

8. Decide what kind of person you want to be

This will help you choose the option that will best reflect who you want to be as a person. If you want to be patient, the option involving waiting will make most sense. If you want to be wise and understanding, choose the option that requires you to find out more about the other person or about the situation before you jump to any conclusion.

9. Sleep on it

Once you’ve decided the best course of action, you may want to wait for a few hours and ideally sleep on it to see if you still feel the same way the next morning when you are more rested and feel better. If the option still makes sense, go ahead. If not, there’s still time to change your mind.

10. Respond

Only now do you actually say or do anything. Ask the person who hurt you whether you can talk for a few minutes, or write a note if that’s what you’ve decided to do. One of the options may be to do nothing and this is a perfectly fine response. In fact, it’s often the best response. Just get over it and get on with life.

You’ll find that taking the time to go through this checklist will save you from many heartaches, and may save you one or more relationships. These ten steps sound like a lot but each really only takes a few minutes, and soon it will become a natural reaction rather than a series of steps. Everything takes practice before it becomes natural.

Remember that you can always choose to say what you didn’t say yesterday, but you can never un-say what you already said.



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Posted by Daphne | September 13, 2008 | in Speak Gently


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