Accepting Those Who Are Different

accepting_those_who_are_different

Most of us readily pay lip service to the fact that people are different and that’s what makes life interesting and so on. How much do we really accept those who are different from us in some fundamental way?

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard
Oh Lord, why don’t we?

- Paul McCartney

Join me in asking yourself honestly, in the privacy of your own mind and heart, whether you truly accept the following groups of people without in some way judging them as being wrong.

1. Different sexuality

Homosexuality is controversial in many parts of the world. Many religions still proclaim it wrong, and many countries still outlaw the homosexual act.

When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.

- Epitaph of Leonard P Matlovich

Yesterday I watched a Youtube video of Martin Luther King Jr’s “I Have A Dream”. Almost half a century on, America is on the verge of voting an African American as President. How far we have come in some ways.

Perhaps one day, we will all learn to accept those with a different sexual orientation the way we once had to learn to accept those of a different ‘racial orientation’. Today it is time to dream a different dream.

2. Different beliefs

It is not what goes on in the world that causes nations to go to war. It is what goes on in our heads. When different belief systems make us think in terms of “them” and “us”, it is easy to reject those who are not us.

The first step to acceptance is understanding. When we can understand another person’s beliefs, we start to comprehend his words and actions. And we can eventually accept that this person is striving, just like we are, to do what he truly thinks is best.

When is the last time you made a genuine effort to understand someone who subscribes to a different belief system from yourself? Can you concede that that person may have a kernel of truth you don’t possess?

The ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function is the sign of a truly intelligent person.

- F Scott Fitzgerald

3. Different culture

With more people living and working outside their own countries and culture, the difficulties of adjusting to a different culture are increasingly apparent today. It can be challenging to accept that others have a different way of doing things, and that your way is not necessarily the best way.

When there is a clash of cultures, do you compare the way things are in a new place to the way they are ‘back home’? Is your initial, spontaneous thought to learn about the new way and see its advantages, or do you tend to teach others how to do things your way instead?

Much of the violence that humanity suffers in our times is rooted in misunderstanding as well as in the rejection of the values and identity of foreign cultures.

- Pope John Paul II

4. Different personality

On a more personal level, do you accept those with different personality types from yours? If you are a driven choleric, do you find a phlegmatic person ‘lazy’ or can you appreciate his laid-back calmness? If you are serious and melancholic, are you annoyed by the bubbly sanguine’s non-stop chatter or are you glad that she brings life to the project?

It is easy to love people in an abstract sense, but difficult to love a real person who is getting on your nerves. True acceptance is when you no longer reject aspects of the other person that you don’t like. And we can only accept others once we have fully accepted ourselves.

Ask someone to give a description of the personality type which he finds most despicable, most unbearable and hateful, and most impossible to get along with, and he will produce a description of his own repressed characteristics – a self-description which is utterly unconscious and which therefore always and everywhere tortures him as he receives its effect from the other person. These very qualities are so unacceptable to him precisely because they represent his own repressed side; only that which we cannot accept within ourselves do we find impossible to live with in others.

- Edward Whitmont

5. Different gender

Closer to home, can you accept that your spouse or partner is different from you? Can you truly accept this and see them for who they are instead of who you want them to be?

We are attracted to someone of the opposite gender precisely because they are different from us, and yet that difference causes us to clash with the very person we want most to bond with. Just because a person thinks differently from us, or loves us in their own way instead of the way we want them to, does not mean that they are wrong.

A woman means by unselfishness chiefly taking trouble for others; a man means not giving trouble to others. Thus each sex regards the other as basically selfish.

- C S Lewis

Learning to accept others who are different – without judgment, without annoyance, without trying to change them – may be a lifetime struggle. We just need to keep working on it.



If you like this post, why not sign up for more?


Posted by Daphne | November 4, 2008 | in Speak Gently


Other Posts You May Like


11 Responses to “Accepting Those Who Are Different”

  1. nudgeme
    November 4th, 2008 @ 11:57 pm

    What a great post Daphne and such a timely reminder on what could turn out to be an historic day for US elections. It’s frightening to think how it was only such a short time ago that even the idea of a black president would have been unthinkable. Thank goodness we are living in different times, and I hope there will come a day when people are simply respected and accepted for who they are regardless of race, gender, sexuality, beliefs, etc. Spending part of each year in Cape Town, (which is known as the pink capital by some) I have many gay friends, and yet some of my UK friends don’t know any gay people so, for some (luckily a v small minority), they find that hard to understand. That’s no one’s fault, indeed it’s often a case of ignorance or fear of the unknown.

    Also, I think people’s lack of acceptance can be routed in a belief that there is a definitive right or wrong, good or bad way to behave, act or be, which I don’t go along with. For me, there are no definitive values and beliefs suffice those you create for yourself, thus no one can disprove that their values and beliefs are any more worthwhile than mine. Sure there are clearly values which are more acceptable to society than others, but that doesn’t make them compulsory.

    I agree very much with the French author and philosopher Voltaire’s view when he said “I may disagree violently with your opinions, but I shall defend to the death your right to express them”.

    On a different note, I love your idea of concentrating on posting different reflections on different days. I can see that Tuesday’s are definitely going to be a must for me!

    Right, I’m off to watch some election coverage!

    All the best

    Tamsin/nudgeme

  2. Daphne
    November 5th, 2008 @ 7:33 am

    Dear Tamsin,

    Thanks for your wonderful comment. I think I learn as much from your comments as I do writing the posts! You’re right that ignorance is the cause of much hatred and fear all around the world.

    Hey, glad to find out that you too think the concepts of right and wrong are over-rated. It took me many years to think through this, and come to the same conclusion as you. The Voltaire quote is a good reminder.

    The focus on different posts for different days is an effort to keep myself and readers sane by having some sort of pattern, to guide my research and writing, and let people know what they can expect, rather than get a random jack-in-the-box surprise everyday! Your endorsement means a great deal, so I know it’s the right direction to go.

    I am also eagerly awaiting the election results…

    Daphne

  3. nudgeme
    November 5th, 2008 @ 4:33 pm

    Thanks Daphne – it’s no surprise we agree!

    WOW what a night with the elections. I was watching in the UK at 4 this morning when they made the announcements. I’ve just Twittered that Obama’s speech was incredible – a second Mandela in the making. McCain’s full of integrity in loss. They’ve just defined a new brand of politics – and the impact of this result will be felt not only in the US, but all around the world. An amazing moment.

    What amazing, exciting times! Have a great day.

    Tamsin/nudgeme

  4. Richard
    November 5th, 2008 @ 9:48 pm

    Hello Daphne,
    Truly an insighful read. Yes, indeed can we truly accept differences in others. That is something that we need to ask ourselves.
    Richard

  5. Daphne
    November 6th, 2008 @ 8:18 am

    Hello Richard, glad you dropped by and left a comment. Yes it’s very hard to accept others, and I have to constantly remind myself.

    Tamsin, Obama gave an awesome speech. I’m not American and even I was moved and got goosebumps! Yes this election has galvanised the world. Let’s hope the next 5 years are better!

  6. snigdha
    November 6th, 2008 @ 12:18 pm

    Hi Daphne, hats off to u for your breathtakingly thought-provoking and richly suggestive post ” Change the world, Yes, We can” ! And what timing, girl ! That side, the historic win was declared and this side your article !! How fast can u write – I am amazed .
    And yes, I too got goosebumps and tears, as many times as mr Obama said ” Yes, We Can” . There was that authenticity,humility, determination with ease in his eyes and voice.
    I salute American People – proved they understand what it means to say that change is the only thing permanent .
    My take : Not only History has been made ( a Black President for the first time ); but History has also repeated itself, as usual and that is the history of ever-free human spirit making history through iconoclastic changes on various fronts – social, political, scientific and spiritual !!

    YES, WE, THE HUMAN RACE, CAN CHANGE THE WORLD !!!

    snigdhas last blog post..

  7. Daphne
    November 6th, 2008 @ 5:34 pm

    Snigdha,

    I hope you don’t mind but I’ve copied your comment to the Change The World? Yes We Can! thread and replied to it there.

  8. All Considering » Blog Archive » Sharing Inspiration
    November 10th, 2008 @ 7:43 pm

    [...] writes a post about Accepting Those Who Are Different, which I think is one of the most important types of spiritual practice any person can do. It is [...]

  9. katinka - spirituality
    November 10th, 2008 @ 8:57 pm

    Thanks for your comment :) The rss feed is: http://feeds.feedburner.com/AllConsidering

    katinka – spiritualitys last blog post..Right Intentions or Right Actions …

  10. YogaforCynics
    November 15th, 2008 @ 3:14 pm

    Seeing the new first family up on stage definitely showed me how far we’ve come in a short time, though the hurt and disappointment of my gay and lesbian friends reminded me of how far we have to go. Then, this one milestone certainly makes me more optimistic for others sooner than we might think.

    I would like to agree wholeheartedly with all that you say here, though I get somewhat snagged on “beliefs,” as so many belief systems are in stark conflict with acceptance of other belief systems, other cultures, and, as you point out, different sexuality. Certainly, when talking to a fundamentalist who believes literally in a cruel, egotistical father figure who condemns those who don’t endlessly sing his praises to eternal torment, I can try to understand where such hateful beliefs come from. And I can do the same for those who believe those who don’t share their beliefs deserve to be killed (though I’ll try to do so from a distance). As such, I might become more compassionate towards those who have so little compassion for a heretic or infidel like me, which would be a good thing, and I can certainly accept them in the sense that I’ll do my best to live and let live, but I don’t know if that’s the same thing as finding a kernel of truth in such beliefs (as I don’t know how one can find truth in bigotry without becoming bigoted, which, of course, gets rather paradoxical).

    Most spiritually minded people I know tend toward a universalist viewpoint, which, it seems to me, treats the religious beliefs of the world as if they are all, essentially, different flavors of universalism. I think that ignores just how much of the world’s spirituality consists of belief systems that are rigidly fundamentalist, misogynistic, homophobic, and intolerant of other beliefs.

    Sorry to drop a kernel of negativity into your comments. Please believe that I do so because I would really like to agree with you completely, but find I end up in this paradox when I really think about it….

    YogaforCynicss last blog post..Untitled

  11. Daphne
    November 15th, 2008 @ 4:47 pm

    YogaforCynics,

    No need to apologise. Your comment made me think as you made very good points. I agree that ‘live and let live’ and agreeing that there is a kernel of truth in something you disagree with are two different attitudes of mind. It goes back to Fitzgerald’s quote about the ability to hold two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time, to believe that you are right, but that the other guy may also be right.

    Still, it is a paradox as you pointed out. We have to choose one way to think, one belief that guides our actions as individuals, while at the same time leaving room in our minds for other possible ways of thinking. Sometimes I just tell myself that if I had been born to a different family, in a different country, at a different time, then I would believe totally different ‘truths’ and be equally convinced that I was right too. Making the effort to step out of our individual little world is not easy, but certainly forces us to understand that every “I” represents only one dot in eternity and there are so many other dots that make up the whole.

    Not sure if this is making any sense.

Leave a Reply







  • Comments by Readers

  • Kit: I’ve found that real change and lasting weight loss happens slowly, and is VERY frugal. 25lbs over the last 6 mos may be slow, but...
  • Beaulotus: Hi Daphne, it’s precisely that – that they didn’t have anything better to do with their time and lives. Those few mums...
  • Beaulotus: Daphne, it was interesting reading this wonderful post. As you may know, I socialise alot in our expat community and we have mothers...
  • Paul Maurice Martin: “Declining to play” has been an important one for me – I think of it as letting go of the egoism of others....
  • Self Improvement Minded: “Keep the company of the wise” that’s how we always said 4 when I was young.
  • Lana-{Daring Clarity}: Those were great points Daphne, thank you. And I so loved how you started that the reason you “keep blogging is that...
  • nudgeme: Great pointers on maintaining personal integrity Daphne, and always lovely to log on and see a post from you! Identifying your...
  • Self-esteem Building: I agree that our thinking gives positive or negative meaning to a certain event, person etc. Nature is neutral. It’s...
  • Hilary: Hi Daphne .. good points .. adopt a hero – yourself – ensure you smile, be kind, be open, be friendly .. Draw the boundaries is...
  • J.D. Meier: Beautiful distillations … heroes, boundaries, and buddies are the way to go. It takes less energy to be yourself than be somebody...
  • Lance: Hi Daphne, Number 4 is an important one for me. It’s so easy for other people’s attitudes to filter over into our own –...
  • Mazhar Nawaz: Dear Daphne enjoyed reading every word. I appreciate your honest views on Live Like You’ll Die Tomorrow.
  • Walter: Yes, I believe with what you have written here. In fact, I’m applying most of them into my life. There are lot of ways to be happy,...
  • Lindsey Petersen: I am a die hard optimist who leads a happy life even when I should be sad…an anomaly, I guess! Lindsey Petersen...
  • Hilda: Hi Daphne, I’ve read ALOT on the subject of happiness over the years, and have transformed myself from a miserable pessimist to a...
  • macy_c: I used to trust my instinct a bit more, but overtime, self doubt and life in general erode the trust. I just wrote an account of when I...
  • Evelyn Lim: I have found more meaning in my life when I started contributing my assistance and service to others. In the process, I become happier...
  • James Gray: When you say that good and bad aren’t “out there,” it isn’t clear what that means. I don’t know if anyone...
  • nudgeme: Hi Daphne Lovely to see a post on Joyful days in my Google Reader this morning – and such an uplifting one at that! I concur with...
  • vered - blogger for hire: “Which is partly why I’m blogging less now – I have a happy life to keep me occupied!” This is great. You...