Love Much

You and MeLove shows itself in actions. If you want to know whether you loved much today, look back at the events of the day and how you reacted to each.

Creative Commons License photo credit: hill.josh

This exercise sometimes makes me cringe, when I realise that the feelings of love in my heart did not translate into my actions. I love my baby nephew to bits, but when he kept blabbing to me even after I explained that I had to work, I had to finally insist that he leave my study. This is one of the downsides of working from home. I knew from his crestfallen face that he felt rejected and hurt and he tottered out to sob on my mum’s shoulder.

When it comes to loving, we are all amateurs. Unless your name is Mother Teresa, of course. Most of us blunder through life just trying our best. I am no expert but this is what I have learnt about loving better.

1. You cannot run on empty

You cannot love others if you don’t feel loved yourself. You cannot give what you do not have. This is where Christianity and other religions actually come in very handy. If you believe in a God who loves you unconditionally, this gives you enormous power to love others. If you do not believe in God, you will have to find this love from elsewhere. Maybe you love yourself so much that there’s some spillover for others, though I doubt it works like this.

Most of us are going to need love from a source besides ourselves. In childhood, our parents are the most likely source of this love, or for some of you it may be other relatives. Friends too can give us some love, which is why young people hang out in groups for a sense of acceptance. Some of you have a spouse who loves you, and this is your source of strength. And if you don’t have a significant other right now, this is not the time to run out and grab someone off the streets. This is not about begging someone to love you, it’s about seeking out someone who already does.

Find your source of love. You’ll know deep inside whether you get this from God, family, friends, or even strangers. Return to this source often until the love in you spills out to others.

2. Show love in your actions

It’s a strange human quirk that we expect someone we love to know that we love them. When wives ask their husbands “Do you love me?”, he will reply “Of course” and wonder why she isn’t satisfied. Parents will discipline their children, sometimes severely, and expect the child to understand that “It’s for your own good”. We expect our parents to know how grateful we are for all they’ve done for us, even if we don’t explicitly tell them.

Tell them. We are all starving for love. When was the last time someone told you too often that they loved you? How many times in your life did you have to ask someone to stop repeating themselves while they were telling you what they loved about you? Most of the time we are left wondering whether and how much someone loves us. One out of two marriages fail today, more often from neglect than from smothering.

And tell them in the way they need to know. Some people feel loved when they receive gifts from you, some when you do something nice for them, some when you hug and caress them, some when you spend time with them, and some just need to hear you say the words “I love you.” We usually show love in the way we feel love. The problem is, the person we are trying to love may speak a different love language.

3. Ask for feedback

Instead of assuming that our actions mean the same to others as we intended, why not ask? One of the biggest mistakes in thinking is to make assumptions. Most assumptions are wrong. That’s why companies spend millions of dollars on market surveys, customer feedback channels, and data mining. That’s because they know the importance of obtaining actual raw data instead of going ‘by feel’. You have only a few people you truly love, and so the good news is that for you, getting feedback is simple and free. All you need to do is ask.

Some useful questions:

- “How did you feel when I did… (or said…)?”
- “What makes you feel most loved?”
- “What can I do to love you better?”
- “On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you feel around me?”
- “I want to do something for you – what would you like it to be?”

4. Go easy on yourself

Some of the feedback you get may make you feel uncomfortable, even guilty. Sometimes we don’t even need feedback to know when we’ve messed up. Love yourself enough to understand that nobody’s perfect, that the best of us crash and burn sometimes. Forgive yourself and move on.

There’ll be days when you just don’t have it in you to be all saintly and loving. That’s ok. If you can’t love much, at least try to love a little. If you can’t love even a little, at least try. And if you won’t even try, that’s fine too. There’s always tomorrow.

Well, there’s usually tomorrow. Someday tomorrow will not come, and we’ll wish we had the chance to show those we love how much we love them. You have that chance today.

This is Part 3 of the series:

Think Deeply
Speak Gently
Love Much
Laugh A Lot
Work Hard
Give Freely
Be Kind



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Posted by Daphne | September 1, 2008 | in Love Much


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