A Positive Letter for Hilary

i love youA new reader left a comment on my blog today. I visited her blog and was deeply moved by what she is doing there.

Hilary’s blog posts are positive letters written to bring her mother happiness in her last months, and to keep other family members updated. Every letter is her way of telling her mum “I love you.”

Positive Letters is the most beautiful, meaningful, purposeful blog I’ve come across. I wanted to send Hilary a personal note to tell her so, but there was no contact page on her blog, and my email to her bounced. So I’m publishing my letter to Hilary here.

Hello Hilary,

Thank you for leaving your comments on my blog.

I wanted to drop a personal note to tell you that you are doing a beautiful thing for your mother. My dad died two years ago from liver cancer, and thank goodness there was time for the whole family to say their goodbyes. It was a blessing to be able to walk with him on that final journey, until the last part which he had to walk alone.

So I know what you are doing with your blog, and my heart goes out to you. This wonderful gift you are giving your mother will last for a lot longer than you know.

It’s also a gift to yourself, because when the person we love is no longer with us, it’s the little things – the ordinary words that become extraordinary because they were the last, the brave laughter in the face of pain and fear, the last few smiles, every little connection between you two – these become so important when they’re all that is left of the person we love. Those memories are all I have now, and I’m happy that you are creating beautiful memories with your mum.

I wish I had the chance to go back two years and do for my dad what you are doing. I truly feel what you’re going through, and want you to know you’re not alone. It can be tough to watch a parent dying and feel helpless to make things better. It’s also difficult as a caregiver because you’re perpetually tired, and perhaps feel some guilt that death in a way will come as a relief.

For me the sadness comes in unpredictable waves. I can be walking down the street, sitting on a bus, and basically feeling just fine, when suddenly I think of my dad and tears roll down my cheeks. This started a few months before he died, and continues even now. At the same time I am happy because he died a good death. We all drew strength from that final journey and today my family talks of him often with fondness and laughter, not sadness.

This is just my personal experience, and I don’t know if you are going through the same. The book Facing the Final Mystery, written by a nurse, has a much more knowledgeable approach to prepare you and your family for what’s happening now, what will happen soon, and what to expect after.

Please know that you are doing a beautiful, wonderful thing by being a faithful, loving companion on your mother’s final journey. I’m rooting for you and your mum.

With deepest respect and heartfelt wishes,

Daphne

photo credit: erin MC hammer

Visit Positive Letters and cheer on this amazing lady and her mum!



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Posted by Daphne | April 18, 2009 | in Laugh A Lot


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40 Responses to “A Positive Letter for Hilary”

  1. kip de Moll
    April 18th, 2009 @ 10:39 pm

    My parents are both nearing death at 84, my mother well beyond reach with Alzeimer’s. When she was a little more lucid, we all met at the family grave site, a very special church, dating back to 1700’s where my parents had been married, to bury her brother’s ashes. As they stood there holding hands, we were all painfully aware that our next gathering here would be to bury one of them. In her blissful state, my mother looked around and exclaimed this would be a lovely place to live and we all cried that we would be delighted to visit her. It was a living funeral, and has made this last year much easier to bear the inevitable degeneration they are suffering.

  2. Jonathan EnlightenYourDay.com
    April 19th, 2009 @ 1:18 am

    Thanks for sharing Daphne! I will check out! Much appreciate.

  3. LifeMadeGreat | Juliet
    April 19th, 2009 @ 1:58 am

    Hi Daphne

    This is so pertinent. I have a friend who is currently struggling with cancer. I can only hope and pray that it is not fatal in the end. She is strong and has an amazing love of life. To see her leave now, will be devastating. But, I suppose one can only try and remember that there is always reason…

    Juliet

  4. Hilary
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:09 am

    Hi Daphne .. I’m overwhelmed by you & your generosity .. I need time to adjust and react .. I’m just staggered and so grateful .. please forgive this short comment of thanks – but I’ve just got back from seeing my Ma – after 4 hours .. & tomorrow she will be so amazed to hear from you!! She loves my overseas friends ..

    Thank you in advance to you all .. I am totally moved and quite blown away ..

    Thank you, thank you, thank you .. I’ll be back with a proper response ..

    All I can say is loads of love!! to everyone ..

    Hilary Melton-Butcher
    Positive Letters

  5. Roger | A Content Life
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:57 am

    Daphne,

    I’m moved by your post. What a kind and sweet thing to do for Hillary and your readers.

    I’m sorry about your dad. Both of my parents died years ago, but I still think about them everyday.

  6. Nadia-Happy Lotus
    April 19th, 2009 @ 4:38 am

    Hi Daphne,

    Thank you so much for this post and for being so kind. Losing a parent is hard and thank you for mentioning the impact that a caregiver has when taking care of a dying parent. You and I both have been there and we know its challenges. Reading your letter was of comfort to me because you are the only person I know (besides my husband) who has lost a parent at a young age. So I could relate a lot to what you wrote. It was nice to realize I am not alone.

  7. Giovanna Garcia
    April 19th, 2009 @ 5:38 am

    Hi Daphne

    I am touched by you sharing your personal story and your thoughts with Hilary’s Mother. Hilary is a sweet heart, she is a friend of mine. And I am sure you made her feel supported and she knows that she is not alone.

    God bleess both Hilary and you, you two are good people.
    Giovanna Garcia
    Imperfect Action is better than No Action

  8. Vikum
    April 19th, 2009 @ 10:36 am

    This is really a heartfelt post. You’ve written it with feelings which comes from bottom of your heart.My dad also has passed away when I was 10 due to a brain cancer. I feel respect towards this great lady, Hilary. I’m on my way to her blog.
    Thanks for sharing.

  9. Jocelyn at I TAKE OFF THE MASK
    April 19th, 2009 @ 11:14 am

    Hi Daphne! Thanks for sharing Hilary’s blog. I’ve dropped by and left a comment there. Continue making bridges and leaving inspirations along the way!

  10. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:13 pm

    Kip,

    Thanks for sharing about your parents. It’s sad when Alzheimer’s takes away so much of a person. That scene at the church grave was beautiful though. I can almost picture that day in my head, from your description. It must have been heartrending at the time yet gives some comfort now. I hope that others can take heart from your comment, and be grateful for lucid moments as we all get older.

  11. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:14 pm

    Jonathan,

    Do check out Positive Letters. It’s full of heart and well worth a visit.

  12. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:16 pm

    Juliet,

    One of my favourite phrases when things aren’t going well is “Everything happens for a reason” even though it may take years for us to understand. Sorry to hear about your friend. Doctors can do amazing things with cancer these days, so there’s hope. Her love of life will certainly help keep the positive attitude that’s necessary for recovery, and for facing whatever comes. I hope all turns out well.

  13. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

    Hi Hilary,

    I’m glad I could contribute a positive letter to your Ma. She sounds like an amazingly positive person, much like my dad. Walking the final journey with good cheer must be one of the hardest things in the world, and your Ma is a brave woman.

    Hope the post didn’t surprise you too much!

  14. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:20 pm

    Roger,

    Sorry to hear you’ve lost both your parents. I read in a book (can’t remember which) that when the author lost her parents, she lost her two biggest cheerleaders in life, and life suddenly became a lot lonelier. Hopefully you have other cheerleaders now. In the end, that’s all we can really do for others – be their cheerleaders as they lead the life they alone can lead. That’s what I’m doing for Hilary, I guess, being a cheerleader. Thanks for your kind comment.

  15. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:29 pm

    Hi Nadia,

    It’s also nice for me to know you’ve been there too. Knowing intellectually that we all must die is so different from facing death in the flesh of someone we love. Living with death, touching it, smelling it in someone so close to us… I think that changes us forever. There are so many emotions that overwhelm, both before and after the death event, that words simply cannot capture. Thanks for leaving your compassionate comment, and letting me know that I’m not alone either.

  16. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:30 pm

    Hi Gio,

    When I saw your comments on Hilary’s site and when she mentioned she was working through the process with you, I felt so much better immediately because I knew she was in good hands.

  17. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:32 pm

    Vikum,

    You’re right that I wrote this post almost immediately after visiting Hilary’s blog, and while I was still feeling very moved by it. I guess those emotions came through in my post. Respect was certainly one of the stronger emotions I felt for her too. Thanks for picking up on this point and being so encouraging about it. Hope you enjoy Hilary’s blog!

  18. Daphne
    April 19th, 2009 @ 2:33 pm

    Hi Jocelyn!

    Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment on Hilary’s blog. It’s very sweet and thoughtful of you, and I’m sure it means a lot. “Making bridges” is a lovely term, and one that I will remember both in blogging and in loving. Thanks for this energising comment!

  19. Evelyn Lim
    April 19th, 2009 @ 6:19 pm

    How sweet of you, Daphne, to think of sending a letter to Hilary. No…I have not visited her site before and will do so after I write this comment.

    I have not lost a parent technically yet. But I did lose one in a sense. It was my mother-in-law. Funnily, I never quite knew that my blog was a dedication to her; until I stepped back one day last year and realized that everything I say came from a spark ignited by her.

    Our relationship was not an easy one. It’s hard to explain all that happened. But closure, details bordering on the paranormal, only came after her death.

    You know, it is strange that I never shared about her on my blog. I guess I never got round to it. Perhaps, I’d write about her one day. Thanks for the inspiration!

  20. carla
    April 20th, 2009 @ 1:09 am

    Thank you so much for introducing us to Hilary and her blog! Her writings are very heartfelt and moving. I havent lost a parent and I cant imagine what that might be like.

  21. Positively Present
    April 20th, 2009 @ 2:41 am

    What a wonderful post and such a positive message of support behind it. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  22. Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
    April 20th, 2009 @ 5:53 am

    This is a very beautiful letter! I don’t know what to say.

  23. Daphne
    April 20th, 2009 @ 7:41 pm

    Hi Evelyn,

    It’s amazing that you realised only after blogging for sometime that your blog was influenced by your mother in law. I wonder how much of our actions are ultimately influenced by other people even when we don’t realise this.

    And in the same way, whether others’ actions are influenced by us somehow. Do write about this experience sometime. I’d be interested to hear!

    Hope you like Hilary’s site.

  24. Daphne
    April 20th, 2009 @ 7:46 pm

    Hi Carla,

    Hilary’s blog is full of heart. It’s not that bad losing a parent if there was lots of love and time together while they were alive. Then we just miss them when they’re gone, without any guilt or regret. Living well is the best way to approach death with as much peace as possible.

  25. Daphne
    April 20th, 2009 @ 7:46 pm

    Hi Positively Present,

    Thank you for your words of encouragement.

  26. Daphne
    April 20th, 2009 @ 7:47 pm

    Albert,

    Thanks for your warm and kind comment.

  27. Celes | EmbraceLiving.Net
    April 20th, 2009 @ 11:26 pm

    Dear Daphne, I’ve always known you to be an extremely kind-hearted and caring individual and this letter you wrote to Hilary further strengthened that belief I have of you. I have not been to Hilary’s blog and will do so immediately after writing this. My parents are still with me and I have been working on improving my relationship with them in the past month, with great success. I’ll definitely keep doing that, especially after having been reminded on the limited span of life from reading your letter to Hilary.

  28. Davina
    April 21st, 2009 @ 12:42 am

    Hi Daphne. This was kind of you to feature her on your blog. It is tender what she is doing for her mother and nurturing for both of them and their family. Keeps the connection strong and present. Celebrating life. Thank you for sharing this.

  29. J.D. Meier
    April 21st, 2009 @ 2:17 am

    I like the way you didn’t let a contact form stop you from sharing your kind words.

    Way to go and beautifully said.

  30. Daphne
    April 21st, 2009 @ 7:45 am

    Hey Celes,

    Thanks for the kind words. I’m blushing! I’m just a regular person, and I daresay all who visit Hilary’s site will be as touched as I was, just that I’ve been through it and so can identify more.

    Good to know your relationship with your parents is getting better. Your life seems to be going well both personally and in terms of your coaching career, and it’s good to see leading by example and showing other people how to live their best life!

  31. Daphne
    April 21st, 2009 @ 7:47 am

    Hi Davina,

    You’re right that Hilary’s blog, while inspired by dying, is about celebrating life. You provide marvellous perspectives in both your posts and your comments, and I really look forward to reading what you have to say!

  32. Daphne
    April 21st, 2009 @ 7:47 am

    Hi JD,

    Thanks for your warm words. I was wondering whether I should post the entire letter then thought to myself, heck I’d already typed out the entire thing so why not? ;)

  33. picturesque
    April 22nd, 2009 @ 7:56 pm

    Hi daphne, what a heart-warming letter u made for someone you barely know. I can tell that you have a kind heart. You can do extraordinary things to someone or to people (us reading your blog) you don’t know so how much more to your family and friends? You are truly a blessing! Keep up the good work!

  34. Daphne
    April 22nd, 2009 @ 11:19 pm

    Hi picturesque,

    Your comment warmed my heart, and I blush that you make me out to be better than I am. Now I have to go and live up to your kind words and try to be the kind of person you think I am! Sometimes we forget to show our best side to the people closest to us and you’ve just reminded me. Thank you for this. And thank you for leaving such an encouraging comment for a relative stranger too. It means a lot to me, and shows the kindness of your own heart.

  35. Henie
    April 23rd, 2009 @ 3:33 am

    Daphne!

    I haven’t visited in a while and now that I am here, I am reminded and touched by the kindness of your soul…how you reach out to people in need…your selflessness, always giving and giving!

    I just want to say thank you to you! You have made such a difference in my heart…and thank you for the hard work you do on this site!

    Happy Everything always! :~)

  36. Daphne
    April 23rd, 2009 @ 7:57 am

    Hi Henie!

    I noticed you had been quiet lately and hope that you had a great time away from the online world for a while. It’s great to have you back! Thanks for dropping by to say hi, with your usual wonderful words of encouragement! Happy Everything to you too! (Love that phrase!)

  37. Hilary
    April 23rd, 2009 @ 5:49 pm

    Hi everyone .. it’s all so wonderful .. I didn’t know Daphne at all and I’ve been so happy with her contact and appreciation .. just a one off comment by me .. on who my Ideal Reader is .. her post of 21st April ..

    I will reply to you all and will do a post within my own blog .. when I’ve caught my tail and we’ve resolved Mum’s situation down at the hospital – she’s been there 4 weeks and she’s not ill!! It’s not ideal but she is ‘healthy’ .. so I’m sure we’ll get her out.

    Perhaps at that stage – next few days .. you’ll all help me with some thoughts .. that’d be great ..

    All the best
    Hilary Melton-Butcher
    Positive Letters

  38. Daphne
    April 24th, 2009 @ 4:01 pm

    Hi Hilary,

    I am grateful for a community of extremely caring and supportive readers, and I’m glad that you had a good experience here. We’ll be seeing more of each other online I’m sure. All the best with your mum in the meantime!

  39. Dan and Deanna
    April 25th, 2009 @ 11:26 am

    We are new to your site, Daphne, but we are regulars to Hilary’s blog. It is wonderful what she is doing on her blog. Thank you for the support that you are giving to her. She is in need of that. I too have lost a parent. I did not have the time like this to say good-by. My father drowned will fishing in Yellow Stone Park. He was missing for two weeks before they found his body down river in a different state. (they were looking for someone else at the time they spotted his body.) That was many years ago, I was 12 at the time. I would have liked the time to say good-by but that was not to be. It has been over 30 years but as writing this I have tears coming done my face, so it is always with us is it not. My dear husband lost his mother and a brother when he was around 11. Many of us are out here, we give support to those that are going through it now. because we have been there before them. We will come back often now that we know about your blog. Thank you again for the beautiful words that you have given to our blogging friend, Hilary. Have a good day.

  40. Daphne
    April 25th, 2009 @ 4:24 pm

    Hello Dan and Deanna,

    Welcome, and thank you for such a wonderful first comment!

    I agree wholeheartedly that what Hilary is doing on her blog is just wonderful, and touched me to the core precisely because I lost a parent recently and can feel what she is going through. It’s nice to know that you too understand, and that there is a community ‘out here’ who have been through this loss and can help others going through the same, because we know that we received help when we were going through this and so all of us want to pay it forward.

    Sorry to hear about your father’s drowning. It’s sad when there is no time to say goodbye. Even though I had that luxury, there are still so many things I wish I could tell him, and what reassures me is that when I think these thoughts, somewhere somehow he knows. And it’s the same for me, tears still fall down my face when I think about him, though sometimes his memory brings smiles and laughter instead. So it’s all good. The relationships still exist, on our parts at least.

    I like your site very much! I hope we’ll be in touch.

Leave a Reply







  • Comments by Readers

  • nudgeme: Hi Daphne Lovely to see a post on Joyful days in my Google Reader this morning – and such an uplifting one at that! I concur with...
  • vered - blogger for hire: “Which is partly why I’m blogging less now – I have a happy life to keep me occupied!” This is great. You...
  • Tess The Bold Life: I can attest that they all work. I’ve even been quite happy in the middle even though I’m sliding out of that...
  • J.D. Meier: Excellent rundown. I used to think happiness was doing nothing, then I found out it’s actually doing something. It’s got to...
  • Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord: The “work on your terms” is interesting to me, especially your suggestion that it doesn’t mean we...
  • Annaly: The tongue is a had thing to get control of, but I like your concept of good and bad gossip.
  • Hilary: Hi Daphne – the points you describe so well are so true – Believe in Something – the Dale Carnegie quote .. if we occupy ourselves, we live...
  • Lance: Hi Daphne, This is so good to read! And really, reading this I feel a deep sense of happiness both for you, and within you. Daphne, this is...
  • Baker: Wow. I have to mention that these tips here are very powerful. This is excellent. I can definetly see that you really did an amazing job at...
  • Carla: I can definitely relate to having something to look forward to. When you live your live day by day in a tape loop, it can make things pretty...
  • James Gray: To say that there is no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ just because they seem to require opposites makes no...
  • MJ: Maybe there are individuals who may have gone through an expereince that would follow.. having been able to choose to be in one Parallel...
  • Hulbert: Hi Daphne, gossiping isn’t really that big of a problem for me because I tend to not hang out with people that just gossip all day....
  • Sara: Daphne — It’s been some time since I visited and I’m glad I came by today. I liked all your suggestions about handling...
  • alessandraelle: Thank you for using my photo and for the exact credits! :-) Ciao from Italy.
  • Daniel: Heya Daphne! Great seeing a new post from you in my reader. :) I too wrote about that story (Socrate’s Teaches The Test of 3)...
  • Daphne: Daphne! Hi, it’s the other Daphne! :) I LOVE the Socrates story – I hadn’t heard it before. I now have a sticky note in...
  • Island Girl: Dear Daphne I have recently moved to a very small island where people do nothing but gossip. I came knowing this would be the case but...
  • Hilda: I used to love a good gossip! Not so much anymore though. I love to hear and pass on good news, but I’m not into the nasty stuff now....
  • Evelyn Lim: I enjoyed reading the story about Socrates that you posted. I don’t like to engage in gossips myself. I have few opportunities to...